Your Story May Be All Wrong

By Ange Fonce

Having spoken to and coached people, I have noticed that one of the biggest hurdles people have to get over regarding social intelligence is this: 

The ability to express your life as a story. 

The ability to listen and understand the story other people are trying to express.

Without this ability it is hard to make friends, it is hard to find new opportunities, it is hard to have adventures, it is hard to land meet up's and nearly impossible to get those meet up's to workout for you.

And whether you like it or not, everything you ever do and ever say is a part of your story.

Your style is part of the story.

Your body language is part of the story.

Your words and the way you use them are part of the story.

Your friends and acquaintances are part of the story.

Your skills, hobbies and talents are part of the story.

Your job and all the work you have ever done is part of the story.

Your preferences (from music to movies to the food you eat) are part of the story.

Your successes and failures are part of the story.

And if you do not learn how to look at your life, take the highs and lows and refine them into the tale of you, it is nearly impossible for people to get to know who you are.

A great coach is always a student, because teaching is a skill - one that must be practiced just like any other.

The goal, for a coach, is to refine the ways that they pass on the principles and techniques of their art form, which means that they must continually add to their knowledge and expertise.

Many coaches, myself included, agree that the moment you start teaching is the moment you really start learning. 

That said, I encourage you all to become your own coaches.
Here are a few coaching tools you can use to start coaching yourself

Keep in mind, that in the following examples, if you are the kind of person who goes out alone. You are both the student and the teacher. 

1... First, pick something specific, observe, and comment. 

Think about what it is like to walk into a class for any skill: martial arts, sports, music, etc. 

You enter and the teacher gives you a technique to work on, goes over the basics of it and then you get to work practicing it. Each class is not a test of the entire art form, rather it is a challenge to improve a piece of the art form.

Social Intelligence needs to be practiced just like every other skill.

Set up your practice sessions as though they were classrooms. In other words, have something specific for yourself to work on.

For Example:

Today we are going to work on a specific identity story.

Once you have picked a topic, give yourself some parameters. 

“After opening a conversation tonight, you have to continue for as long as you can, using only open questions and listening to find out as much as you can about the other person.”

It is much easier to practice when you know specifically what you are practicing. 

2... Next, challenge yourself, and push your boundaries. 

Learning always takes place outside your comfort zone. As a coach, I have to find ways to push my clients hard enough to challenge them, yet not so hard that they give up.

For example... 

Lets say you have no trouble approach groups that only have either all men or all women, yet you get anxious when approaching mixed groups (groups of men and women), then it is imperative that you set yourself a goal to commit to approaching only mixed groups for a night. 

Now, let us say that the anxiety of approaching mixed groups is too much for you to handle. Then you need to set up some stakes to keep yourself motivated. 

Try this... 

Give an significant amount of money to someone you trust and have them give you back a portion of the money for each approach you make. If you do not make the approaches, you do not get the money back and they get to keep it.

This works, because having something on the line is a great motivator.

Note: Do not push yourself to do stuff that makes the group that you are approaching uncomfortable. The goal is always to create a comfortable environment for the people who are being approached.

3... Finally, be patient and listen to feedback. 

Communication is key when it comes to learning. You may need to work on how you listen, explain a technique, or exercise for the night. 

Remember, the more effectively you can communicate a lesson or technique, the more likely it is that you truly understand the lesson yourself.

There is a secret world that you may not be aware of which almost completely controls your destiny with the people you find interesting and attractive. 

Let me introduce you to it...

The Post-Night Chat

That world is the world of post-night chat.

“Wow, I went out last night and you won’t believe what happened...”

After every night out, people gossip about what happened when they are around their friends.

The key here is this - they tell a story.

It is a world of storytelling, and the best thing they can have is a good story to chat about.

Maybe it was an amazing night
Maybe it was some incredible skill you displayed.

Maybe it was a story about the incredible stories you told.

Maybe it was a spontaneous moment.

Maybe it was fantastic sexing.

Any of and all of those would be great. 

The problem is, you have to be out of the ordinary, or do something extra-ordinary, in order be remembered.  

It is the exact opposite of all of our instincts. 

It is the opposite of what your teachers and parents and everyone else taught you.

You have to change your entire mindset and think like this: What can you do to leave them talking about you for the rest of the night? 

That is the key to all new social relationships. 

You have to be the exception.

You have to be so interesting that they think and talk about you when you are not around.

While the average person takes value in conversation, you have to give.

You have to add value.

And leaving them with a fantastic story for the night adds a ton of value.

Think about it: What do you do after a night out?

You tell your friends about it.

You build a story around the events of the night.

You talk about the most interesting thing that happened that night. 

When meeting new people, it is up to you to be the most interesting person they meet that night.

Do you see where I am going with this?

You are competing with every other event/experience in that person’s night. You have to be the most memorable. 

And you may have no idea how to do that. In fact, if you try too hard, you will just look like a dancing monkey, and that is not how you want to be referred when people tells the story to friends.

You have to be interesting, intriguing, different - you have to be the exception. Not too pushy, not too flashy, not too goofy – just the right combination. You have to learn how to be the most interesting person in the room. 

When you are the most interesting person in the room, when you are holding everyone’s attention, when you are creating memories with fun games and outrageous stories, you are giving everyone exactly what they came for:

A good experience.  

A great memory.  

A fantastic story.   

You are providing the value in the room. You are demonstrating high value to everyone around you. You become the prize. You become what everyone is talking about. You are the story. And you will be all that your date thinks about. You cannot imagine how powerful that is for creating new relationships. 

There is nothing more powerful

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving, Caring, Prosperious and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange Fonce

Ange is a Dynamic Personal Development, Strategy and Assesment Coach who works with those alternative men and women who want to develop their confidence, influence, relationships, health and wealth! 

To Speak to Ange and arrange a free consultation CLICK HERE

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