Would You Please Stop Doing That 

By Ange Fonce

I often receive e mails where I am asked a real assortment of questions and one of the most common ones in where someone wants another to change a habit or behaviour like this question from a reader who wanted to know how to make her her husband stop doing something. 

For the sake of the example... 

Let us say that she wanted to make him stop drinking to excess. 

For those of you who have dealt with similar problems... you know that telling someone to "just stop doing something" rarely works. 

So where do you start? 

How about at a shared value. 

You know... something that you both agree on. 

So instead of telling her husband or partner to stop drinking and being dragged into the argument that ensues because he does not see his behavior as a problem... you could start with something that you both share in and work backwards from there. 

So let us say that the husband and wife agree that they want to be good role models for their children... from there you can start working backwards and try to identify behaviors that both support your goal of being a good role model and identify those behaviors that are working against that shared goal. 

Obviously this will only work if both parties are genuine in the goal that they choose. 

To take it a step further... 

Both the husband and wife could talk about what the future would look like... both constructive and destructive if the behaviors change or not. 

So the wife could say something like... 

“I am afraid that if things do not change... I am not going to be able to take it anymore and continue this way and will end up leaving you.” 

Notice that the wife is not saying... 

“I want you to change.” 

She is saying how she would feel and what she might do if things do not change and the more that she can get the husband to emotionally buy into that feeling the greater the opportunity she has of influencing his behavior. 

I just finished reading another brook on negotiations and one of the examples that the author used was two companies that had been doing business with each other for a few years. 

Company A was the supplier and although they made a good product that did everything that Company B wanted it to do... Company A was getting killed on their margins and they had two more years left on their contract to Company B... yet if they continued at the rate they were going they would be out of business in 6 months. 

So what did Company A do? 

They could have complained until they went out of business and that would not have served either company very well. 

They could have talked about what scoundrels Company B was for holding them over the barrel like they were and taking advantage of Company A. 

Instead they started with a shared vision... they renegotiated and shared the vision of how they wanted to business with this company long into the future and how they wanted to Company B to flourish and how they wanted to make a reasonable profit... they then shared their fear that this plan might not come to fruition at all... due to the fact that if things did not change then Company A would be out of business in 6 months. 

They painted a picture of the struggle that Company B would have finding a product that was as good as Company A produced and the impact that that would have on Company B business and customers. 

The bottom line? 

Company B renegotiated the contract for a fair trade between the two and where Company A would make a profit and Company B would enjoy the long term benefit of a solid supplier. 

All of this happened because Company A identified a shared value that they could both agree on. 

So if you are having trouble trying to influence a behavior in someone else... be it an individual or a company or an individual see if you can identify a shared value first that you both agree on and work backwards from there. 

And if you are having trouble establishing rapport with someone or do not know how to identify what is important to the other person... I recommend you read the article below in recommended reading. 

I cover two strategies that are specifically designed to build rapport with others as well as discovering what is important to them 

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright kick arse person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

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