Why Do Relationships Can Change After Courting
To A Committed Relationship? 

By Ange Fonce
All our “relationships” require us to stretch as an individual. 

In fact there may be no more “important place” in life to “practice” and “improve” your “flexibility” and “growth” in your “self” than in your “personal” and “intimate relationships.” 

Getting over the “thinking” that your own desires are the most important consideration at any given moment is a lifelong practice in “flexibility”... realizing that your “relationships” is your most profound teacher to get beyond your own individual desires is at once its “purpose... challenge” and its “gift.” 

Learning to show up for the people you "love" in ways that are “authentic” is “how” you build “safety” into your “loving relationships.”

Possessing the ability to be “flexible” and the ability to stretch beyond your “comfort zones” are in many circumstances is “how” you “learn” to “feel” and express your ”love.” 

Participating in any “intimate relationship”... whether it is as a “partner... parent... friend” or “child” is often a juggling act... holding your own needs and desires in one hand while “recognizing” and “responding” to the needs of your “loved ones” is an “imperfect equation” at best on most days.  

Success comes in small moments of reaching beyond where you “thought" you could go in both “letting go” and taking on “new ways” of interacting.

In the following story I share with you from everyday life in everyday “relationships”... that “how” showing up well or not happens in a myriad of ways in daily life... notice how each partner stretches in ways that are not “comfortable” yet are worth the effort…

Janine was getting ready to leave for book group when her husband... Thomas... called from work.   

He said to her...

“I have to finish this project... I am really sorry Jan.”

She knew how much he wanted to be promoted... and how much was riding on his performance at the office...  yet in truth... she was growing weary of calls like this... which meant she would either scramble to find a sitter... which they could ill afford... or cancel her plans... again.

She barked into the phone...  

““Not tonight... I canceled last time... and if I am not there it means I will have read the book for nothing... again...  can you not just bring the work home with you?”

“I will see... let me call you back.” 

Was all he said.  

After she hung up the phone and wiped away the tears that were rising to the surface... she headed for the phone to call a sitter... on the way... she passed the shelving unit for her sons room sitting in the hallway... it was almost complete... Thomas had stayed up late the night before to assemble it... stopping only when he realized he was missing an essential part...  she stepped into her sons room with a different thought.

“Let us go... we will get Thai take out and visit your dad at work.”

She said. 

Flexibility Exercise...

Close your eyes and “remember” a “time” in your “own relationship” where your partner did not show up the way you had wanted them to be... then “remember” a “time” when stretching your “boundaries” and letting go of “expectations” actually made you “feel” better about yourself or your partner... child... parent.

What “opened” in you that allowed you to find space that you did not “know” you had? 

Is there a place in your body that you can “sense” when you “stretch” or “relax” into a “challenging situation?”

Try this practice... 

Every day “commit” to working on a “physical stretch” that is “challenging” for you... like bending forward and touching your toes or sitting down with legs outstretched and reaching for your ankles... give yourself ten breaths to move deeper into the stretch and with each breath imagine how you can “open up” to your “relationship.”
It is easy to confuse your capacity to show up for each other with the more passive tendency you slip into of coexisting... “couples” become “complacent” of each other when they grow “accustomed” to not “allowing” themselves to need or be needed... and “coexisting” does not have the stickiness factor that showing up and being flexible does... because it happens as a matter of course... not a matter of “choice.”

Choosing your “relationship health” and finding the “flexibility” to “feed it” translates into all the “dynamics” that make a “relationship” great... “communications” get easier and softer... “passion” gets ignited and your “thoughts” about your life improve... so stretch a little and call what you are doing as “loving” and building "intimacy."

Why Relationships Can Change After Commitment...

Courting couples whose “future thoughts” include a “committed relationship” would do well to step back and “reflect” upon the type of “support” they would like from their partners when they cross the threshold from “courting” to a “committed relationship”... will the partner who supports your goals and aspirations while you are “courting” also help you fulfill “important responsibilities” and “obligations” that come with with being in a “committed relationship”... or will they “flake out” on you?

Now do you ever ask that “question?” 

Because the answer to that “question” could make a “difference” in "how satisfied" you are after tying the knot of “commitment”... you will be “trusting” that your partner is there to “help you grow” into the person you “aspire” to be can give higher “relationship satisfaction” for both “courting” and “committed couples.”

Do you “know” that when your partner “helps you” live up to “your responsibilities” and uphold “your commitments”... that those “individuals” who “commit” to “helping... working” and “supporting” each other enjoy a higher “relationship satisfaction” after entering an exclusive “committed relationship.”

For “courting couples” the “relationship” itself tends to revolve around whether things are “moving forward” and “happiness” with a partner depends on whether the “relationship” will grow into something more... whether a partner will “support the goals” the other eventually wants to “achieve” and “acquire.”

For “committed couples” the “feeling” that their partners are “helping” them to advance their “relationship” and “realize” their “ideal achievements” is still “important”... and the “relationships” of “committed couples” are now more “interconnected” both “practically... emotionally” and “psychologically”... tend to revolve around upholding the “commitment” each made to their partner.

Unlike “courting couples”... those  “committed couples” also put a "high premium" on their partners’ “support” in keeping to their “part of the deal.”

In other words... the “emotions” of being “loved” and “supported” that people use to measure who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may not be completely “trustworthy” in deciding who makes a good “committed partner”... those “emotions” can be misleading in determine your satisfaction with the person you “commit” too... and the "buzz" of those “emotions” can blind you to the “reality” of that other person.

It is their “qualities... values” and their “actions” that count more... they “turn up” and DO as they say they are going to do!

Not honoring "commitments" when entering into an exclusive “committed relationship” is important in explaining why so many “relationships” fall apart... both partners are making “assumptions” that they “thought” their partner “understood” and “supported” them in and the “responsibilities” they had set for themselves... because their “assumptions” were mistaken... that then leads on to deep “resentment” and “destructive behavior” towards each other... which destroys their “relationship.”

Scientific research into the nature of “human relationships” overwhelmingly demonstrates an “important connection” between “feelings” about partner “support” and “satisfaction” within a “relationship” yet does not reveal any differences for “courting” versus “committed couples”... by identifying different ways in which people “feel”supported by their partners... and maintaining “responsibilities” seems to be an “important” factor for “satisfaction” in a “committed relationship.”

People planning to “fully commit” to each other... would be wise  to “invest time” to “think” about not only “how” their partners “support” what they want to “achieve”... and also about “how” their partners “support” what they “think” they want to “accomplish!”

Because it will become very messy... very quickly when you have “committed” to a “relationship” to find out that your partner has a completely different agenda going on to what you “assumed” it would be... that is when “emotions” can completely mislead you and screw you up.

When both partners “honor those commitments”... you end up with both “happier partnerships” and more satisfied couples in general.

Remember when you do enter into a “committed relationship”... you do make a COMMITMENT to each other... Emotionally... Mentally... Sexually to SHARE and SUPPORT each other.

And the question is...

Do you keep to what you say... and HONOR your COMMITMENT to your partner?

Never “play games” with other people...  and “bullshit” them... be totally AUTHENTIC in what you say and do... it is a BIG DEAL entering into a “committed relationship.”

Start as you "mean" to go on... AUTHENTICALLY!

As always... leave a man or woman all the "better" for "knowing" you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to "personally develop" themselves and their "relationships" to become Dynamic Lifers... "creators" of their own life and wealth!

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