"When you put together deep knowledge about a subject that intensely matters to you, charisma happens. You gain courage to share your passion, and when you do that, folks follow." ~ Jerry Porras, Success Built to Last: Creating a Life that Matters

1)  Interrupting Often And Early

Sounds basic?  

And if so, why then do SO MANY men and women do it and still interrupt others so often?

The simple answer is that you are so busy trying to be heard that you forget to listen.  

So instead of caring about what the other human being in front of you finds important, you spend that valuable time trying to form your next verbalized thought.

Not a good move.

When you are doing this, not only do you come off as rude, you DISENGAGED yourself from the conversation.  

And who wants to talk to a WALL?

Learn a new habit of fully absorbing what someone else is saying before responding is TREMENDOUS gift to oneself and to the other person. 

That is an essential building block to becoming an effective listener.  

And effective LISTENERS go very far in life and enjoy great success. 

2)  Stringing Multiple Thoughts Together Without Pausing

If interrupting often is a favourite speech pattern of the socially unskilled, so is the man or women who  talks non-stop so that no one  else can get a word in the conversation.

If you are a passionate, enthusiastic person who genuinely adores life, then it is REALLY EASY to fall into this trap.  
And passion and enthusiasm are REALLY good things.  

However if you consistently notice that those you are conversing are trying crowbar a comment in the conversation, and you think "How RUDE that this person keeps TRYING to interrupt me", you COULD BE the reason why others feel they have TO interrupt you.

Here is a quick tip for BALANCING conversations.

It is to speak exactly as you are taught to WRITE...in PARAGRAPHS.

A PARAGRAPH, is a block of text conveying a SINGLE THOUGHT!

So do you converse with others a SINGLE THOUGHT at a time,  allowing them to reply with a response?

Or, do you repeat phrases like  "...which reminds me", "...and not only that", or ...here's what else" a lot, and go on and on and on?

When you bounce from point to point without pausing for them to respond, you are not leaving room for that person to offer his or her own thoughts.  

And that is a sure fire way for NEVER having the opportunity to share a conversation with that person again.

3)  Hating All Sorts Of Stuff

There has been a lot  about "eliminating negative people" from their lives. 

Well, there is been a whole lot of ACTION, also.  

With more of a spotlight on the issue than ever, human "radar" is tuned in to detect "haters" more than ever.

If you freely express your disdain for job, co-workers, acquaintances, minor inconveniences, TV shows, restaurants and..well...EVERYTHING ELSE! 

Do not be surprised when people stop wanting to hang out with you.

For the record, anything that falls under the heading "complaining" is exactly what I am talking about here.  

Now granted, you cannot be expected to blow sunshine up people's skirts all the time... and instead of 24/7, aim (again) for 85/15.

And by the way, if you are of the opinion that being positive, spreading optimism and encouraging others is dorky and lame, I have a challenge for you.  

Make your next ten Facebook updates and/or Twitter posts expressly positive... words of encouragement, optimistic quotes, etc.  

Then watch the MASSIVE difference in how people respond to you.

Let that be your "field test" of the premise we are discussing here.

You will find that a similar dynamic will occur when you interact more positively with people offline, too. 

4)  Giving Unsolicited Advice

Now let us turn our attention to the practice of giving advice when it has not been asked for.  

This is really a tough one.  

Why?

Because 99.9% of the time people who cannot help and give others unsolicited advice really MEAN WELL.  

They are good people and they just want to help someone else avoid trouble.

Even more troublesome, then, is how confused they feel when nobody wants to hang out with them... when they are genuinely trying to be NICE and CARING.

The problem, however, is that most of us FEEL STUPID when subjected to someone else's "eminent wisdom".  

You may also perceive the advice-giver's liberty at bestowing it upon you as a bit arrogant.

So you do not generally like people who give out advice you did not ask for.   

You find their input pushy or even borderline manipulative. 

Often, you even go so far as to think of such people as under-qualified to even GIVE such advice, do you not?

And, when you really care about someone and know he or she is headed for a MAJOR mistake, it is all but impossible to bite your tongue, isn't it?  

You may feel at times that it is a flat-out MORAL IMPERATIVE to step in.

So you might say.. 

"You know, if I were you I would..."

And such is often responded to with a line like... 

"Hey look, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it!"

From a social perspective, it is surprisingly often the best idea just to let people make their mistakes

When and if the chips are REALLY down, try asking permission to share some insight... 

"Would you mind if I offered you a suggestion?"  

Often you will get a more favourable response when you have taken the time to respect someone's judgement ahead of time like that.

And interestingly, the more respect you GIVE, the more others tend to respect YOUR advice--perhaps even asking for it before you attempt to offer it.  

Life is funny like that.

5)  Pre-Assuming Social Awkwardness

I have saved the most fascinating one for last.

Based on the title of this section, you may be asking yourself who in their right mind would ASSUME a social situation would turn out awkward ahead of time?

I mean, why even attempt to be social if your intent is to make things awkward?

Well, what if I told you people do this ALL THE TIME?

Actually, the dynamic can play out in any number of very specific ways.  

Let me offer a few examples and you will quickly see EXACTLY what I mean.

First, someone may say... 

"With all due respect..."  at the beginning of a sentence.  

Invariably, something disrespectful is about to come out of that person's mouth when that happens.  

He or she KNOWS it is potentially disrespectful, and is going to say it anyway.  

Or, the phrase... 

"Don't take this the wrong way..." may be used. 

Clearly, the speaker expects what is about to be said to be potentially offensive.

Perhaps someone may lead with... 

"I hope this doesn't come out the wrong, but..."  

In that case, someone is literally PLANNING to be misunderstood.

Lack of respect, offensive statements and wanton misunderstanding were NOT signs of solid social skills and charismatic qualities last time I checked.

May You Enjoy a Beautiful Day



Ange Fonce