The Psychology Of Negotiating Anything

By Ange Fonce

I was in a session recently with a couple I am working with that became very heated. 

Both parties felt very strongly about their point of view... both had good arguments about the others behaviours. 

And at a critical point in the meeting... when one of the parties made a snide comment to the other... the entire session started to come apart and the other party yelled an expletive at the other and once the cursing began there seemed like little opportunity to coming back to  a reasonable discussion.

I stepped in and laid the rules down hard to what both parties had agreed to and to cool down the emotional temperature.

I stopped the meeting and had them go to separate rooms... one wanted to leave the meeting and not come back... the other had had enough. 

After speaking to both parties individual and giving them the opportunity to calm down the women said this to me... 

"After "John" made that snide comment to me... I couldn’t hear anything else that was said after that." 

I understood what she was talking about... because I have seen this time and time again between men and women... emotions get fired up... emotional flooding takes over and everything goes down the tubes and it is just fight... fight... fight. 

Someone makes a comment either deliberately or not that is directed to someone in the meeting and suddenly that person is hijacked by their emotions and they cannot get past what was said. 

Sometimes these feelings are legitimate... especially if what was said was ignorant or hurtful... other times these things are said to try to knock you off of your game... because you are rising very good points which the other person has difficulty in accepting as they cannot remain objective... so they make it subjective and personal.

In either case the idea is to get to the best possible solution in these meetings and in this case it so nearly did not happen. 

Had I not read and acknowledged these feelings of the party that felt insulted or had “John” apologized for the comment at the time... which would have helped lower the emotional temperature... nothing positive would have come out of the meeting and it nearly did not happen. 

Had I not read the situation and asserted my authority and the rules they had both agreed too and then taking the action of separating them into different rooms I could have ended up with a very negative situation... as it was by me investing the time to cool the situation and for "John" to do the sensible thing and apologise... both got back together again talking. 

Being able to identify and unpack the feelings of others is a rare skill and it is so worth learning because it can get to the heart of a matter really quickly. 

It is also one of the fastest ways to get someone to drop their guard and really share what they are thinking and feeling

It is a very learn able skill and it takes practice... it works particularly well if you do any kind of negotiating... be it a new client for your business... a co worker or other business contact... it even works for your spouse... children and relationships. 

Let me share with you a story...

This is probably one of my all time favourite quotes and I am paraphrasing a bit here and it goes like this... 

“He that is good with a hammer tends to see everything as a nail.” 

This is attributed to Abraham Maslow a groundbreaking American psychologist. 

And what this quote means to me is to not overly focus on one way of doing something especially if you or I are particularly good at it... this is especially true when trying to negotiate...  influence and persuade people. 

Many times I will watch someone try to convince someone else of something only to watch them crash and burn and it is not pretty and many times this can be attributed to not meeting someone where they are at

Let me give you an example here... 

Let us say that you are helping a friend look for a new job and so you get a great lead and actually set up an interview for them... you find out the next week that they did not even show up for the interview... what happened? 

You thought they were serious about getting a new job and took the step of finding them an interview... yet they were not serious about getting a job... maybe they were ready to send out some resumes or make some phone calls or talk to their friends and they were not ready to sit down face to face with someone and actually interview for a new job. 

You were at step C and they were only on step A... two different pages. 

How do you avoid this? 

Ask what may seem like obvious questions. 

For example... you could ask your friend... 

“When you say you are looking for a new job... what does that mean to you?” 

That way you can zero in on exactly what they mean

And now for the story I said I would share with you...

There is a story that I heard years ago about a man going up to one of the Paris Disney world employees and asking... 

“What time does the 3:00pm parade start?” 

On the surface it may seem like a really dumb question.... 3:00 pm of course. 

Yet the Disney customer experience is priority number one for the company... so the Disney employee took the question seriously and looked beyond the words of the customer to the actual meaning that the customer was trying to express. 

What the customer really wanted to know was not what time the parade started... which is what he asked... the REAL question was what time the 3:00 pm parade would pass by the location where the customer was so that he and his family could get a good spot to watch the parade. 

Big difference! 

And if you are willing to take the extra time to see beyond the words and seek to understand what someone actually means when they ask you a question or make a statement... it will go a long way towards building a relationship... which the couple I was working with were not doing for each other... hence the emotional explosion! 

When you REALLY LISTEN and read people... it always increases your ability to influence and persuade anyone. 

If you would like to improve your ability to ask better questions or establish rapport quickly with someone or even create an environment where people open up to you easily and effortlessly... then please do contact me.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely


Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright "kick arse" person who is a GEEK and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation  CLICK HERE

Sharing Creates Social Status!

Join us today and become one of the Tribe... a DYNAMIC Lifer and if you want to share with a friend a writing... please go ahead and let them know they can receive their own writings via e mail by directly joining The Tribe of Dynamic Lifers The DYNAMIC Express Magazine... I am sure they will appreciate your consideration of them.

"Transformation happens when people fall in love with a different version of themselves and their future!"

Dynamic Life Development Systems 

Personal Development Academy