The Power Of Personal Identity 

By Ange Fonce

Ever watched the X Factor... The Voice or even American Idol? 

They are television shows where you can audition as a singer to be on a television show or win a recording contract. 

Hundreds of thousands of people try out every year. 

They get so many contestants that they have enough footage for a bloopers reel. 

Where... instead of having the best singers auditioning their voices... they have the worst. 

Some of them are truly horrible. 

And when I have watched in the past... I ask my self the same question every time... 

"Do not these people have any friends?" 

Because you at least "think" that they must have sung in front of their friends before they tried out on live TV. 

And if they asked their friends "how" they sounded... do you not "think" at least one true friend would have told them... 

"That is not good?" 

And here is the thing... if they already "think" of themselves as a good singer... or that singing is one of their "gifts" then it will not matter what their friends "think" or say... they will be dismissed. 

Because it is already a part of their "personal identity." 

That is the power of these singers "believing" that they are good... because they have fully "convinced" themselves in their own "mind"... they are a great singer. 

And what happens when they are confronted with another "reality" when the judges tell them that they are not so good? 

Do these singers finally break down and realize that they are not very good? 


They fight and argue with the judges and try to convince them that they are wrong... then they walk out and start yelling at the camera men to turn the cameras off... and they slam the door as they exit the audition and continue to talk about how bad the judges are. 

Such is the power of your "personal identity." 

And as powerful as your "personal identity" is... there is actually something that you can do to exponentially multiply the power of someones "personal identity" making it nearly impossible for them to go back on or retract once you do this one thing. 

In other words... you do this one little seemingly innocent thing at the start of a "conversation" and the person you are speaking with is almost "committed" to following through with what you "suggest." 

What is it? 

I am going to share with you a detailed 4 step process so that you can establish "super rapport" with them... the 4 steps are as follows... 

Step 1... Acknowledge the "feeling" that stands out in the "conversation." 

Step 2... Reflect the "feeling" back to the speaker. 

Step 3... Listen for feedback. 

Step 4... Repeat the process until the speaker asks for your opinion. 

So what does this look like in real life? 

Let us go through an example... 

A husband is talking to his wife after they get home from work. 

You... "Hey honey... you seem really upset... what is going on?" 

Wife... "You’re not going to believe what happened to me today at work." 

You... "So what happened?" or “I am listening.” 

Wife... "I found out at lunch time that Brenda got that promotion that I had applied for... and for the rest of the day I could not concentrate I was so mad!" 

You... "You seem really angry that Brenda got the promotion!" 

Wife... "I was beyond angry... and I could not decide who I wanted to choke first... Brenda or that f69king idiot of a boss I have for promoting her!" 

You... "So you are not even sure who you are more pissed off at... Brenda or your boss." 

Wife... "Exactly... I mean... she has not been working there half as long as I have... so how the hell does she end up with this promotion?" 

You... "You sound really disgusted that she was promoted despite all of the years that you have been there." 

Wife... "Yeah... and now I am wondering if I should even be in this field..." 

Okay... so let us review what is going on so far... can you see how "identifying" the "feeling" behind the words leads to the next step? 

Think of it as peeling back the skin of an onion... you are taking one piece of "information" at a "time" and "intelligently reflecting" it back to the person and then "listening" for the "feedback." 

In the example above... when you reflect back “you seem really angry” and the wife comes back and says “I was beyond angry” that is the type of "feedback" that you are looking for... and then in the next line where the wife says “exactly”... you "know" that you are on target with tracking the "feelings." 

So let us continue with the "conversation"... 

You... "So it sounds like Brenda promotion has you second guessing your choice of careers." 

Wife... "Yeah...well.. I do not know... I mean on most days I love my job... and for the most part I like the people that I work with... it is just that I was really looking forward to this promotion because I thought we could use the extra money to take that vacation that we have been talking about." 

You... "So what is most upsetting to you is the fact that you feel like without the extra money that the promotion would have provided we will not be able to take that vacation we have talked about." 

Wife... "Well yes... I was really looking forward to getting away with you and sharing time together... and now it is not going to happen because of that stupid promotion." 

Let us review again... so the wife has gone from gone from being mad at Brenda for getting the promotion to being upset that she will not be able to get away with her husband to "share some quality time together." 

Can you see now "how" we are getting to the "real reason" behind the wifes anger? 

Now.. she may or may not like Brenda... and what the wife is really upset about is what the promotion represented... "sharing quality time" with her husband... not necessarily the promotion itself. 

In this example... if the husband felt that this was the crux of the issue i.e... the "real reason" behind the wifes anger is the "fact" that she cannot "share quality time" with her husband... then the husband could offer a "solution" at this time if he had one. 

If he was not sure that the "underlying reason" was the wife not "sharing time" with him... he could test it out again to be sure. 

Husband... "So it sounds like you are more upset about us not being able to share quality time together than the actual promotion... am I hearing you right? 

If the wife confirms this at this time... then now would be the time that the husband could offer a "solution." 

If there is more to the story than this... the husband would continue to "intelligently reflect" the "feelings" until he got to the bottom of the story. 

So what is the point of all of this? 

If you "develop" this "skill" to the point where it becomes second nature... you will forever have a method of cutting through the crap and getting to the "core" of an "issue." 

If the husband went on after his wifes first statement about what a witch Brenda was for getting the promotion... then all of this other "information" would have been lost. 

Can you apply this same formula to other situations? 


This “unpicking” can be done in any situation... whether its at work... at home... even on someone that you have just met... the key is to stick to the 4 steps while in the "conversation." 

Now... here is the 2 biggest pitfalls to crashing and burning with this. 

Pitfall 1... Most people respond out of their own "autobiography"... their own "personal identity!" 

That is... as soon as the wife starts complaining about Brenda in the example above... the husband might chime in with... 

“Oh, yeah... we have a real numb skull at out office named Bob and he is always kissing up to the boss.” 

The husband has just single handedly killed the "conversation" by turning the spotlight back on himself and not the "feeling" that his wife was trying to express. 

To avoid this... you have got to get out of your own head and stay "focused" on the "conversation" that you are "involved" in. 

Pitfall 2... You try to jump in too early with a solution. 

Again... after the wife expresses her initial anger the husband says... 

“Hey... maybe you can work in another department so that you do not have to see Brenda.” 

Can you see how this “solution” would be out of order? 

The wife is mad and wants to express her "feelings" and the husband is cutting her off at the knees and jumping right to a "solution." 

Do not do this... do not jump in too early until you have the "initial problem" sorted out. 

Successful people I know have mastered this... the "ability" to get inside someones head and really get a handle on where they are coming from. 

Because once you "know" what is "truly" the "real problem"... it is easier to come up with a "solution?" 

Of course it is. 

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to "personally develop" themselves and their "relationships" to become Dynamic Lifers... "creators" of their own life and wealth! 


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