The Narcissist The Charming Abuser Behind The Smile 

By Ange Fonce

Why are many men and woman easy prey for "The Charmer"... and end up being badly abused?

First... I would like you to know that when I say "abuser" in the above title... I am not be talking about obvious abuse... as in physical violence.. or yelling and screaming... I am talking about emotional and psychological passive aggressive abuse... which can be just as deadly... and is actually more used by  people who are  advanced in the arena of... "charm"... that I will speak of in this article.

Obviously... you want to know how you ever get caught up in a spider web in the first place... if you were conscious of what you were doing... you would not be doing it or at least a great number of you would not be doing it... this personality type that I refer to as charmer abusive will be called the C.A. throughout the rest of this article.

You need to view a C.A. as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all... they are a chameleon because it serves their purpose... they quickly "put on" whatever you are and need... in order to use you for whatever they want from you... they are indeed a great sales person... the kind that does not repel you in the beginning... and instead almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly.

How They Gain Entrance Into Your Life? 

Read the following and take the time to look back over your life... there is opportunity here for life changes...

1... A C.A. looks for victims with the following characteristics.

Low personal esteem... a past with a lot of trauma... neediness... fairy tale type thinking... maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness to some degree... and a history of relationships with men and women that were not healthy.

2... They listen intently to you.

As you voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts... secrets... deep hurts and dreams... they quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave for you... you basically tell them what to become in order that they might hide who they really are from you... while erecting the man or woman of your dreams right before your eyes.

3... While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything... they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. 

For example...

If you have been abused in your life... they will assume the position of "protector" and "rescuer"... will be a great at empathising regarding your pain... at least in the beginning... they look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready made ally for you in some way.

Another example...

If you are a single mother... he might all "too quickly" become super dad... because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.


4... They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens... you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. 

C.A. know this about men and women... especially wounded men and women and they use it to their utmost advantage... if the sexing is good... they assume you will follow them anywhere... C.A. know that touch and physical gratification in the sexing realm is like a drug of comfort for you... it is almost like heroin for some men and women who have been sexually abused... it tells a man or a woman in an instant microwave push button sort of way that they are wanted... worthy... and valuable... of course this is so very far from the truth and it works... it works very well and C.A. know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be very disconnected... kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

5.... He or she listens to what you tell them about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and they uses the same weapons... and may employ different manoeuvrers so you do not recognize it. 

For example... 

You say that you could not stand it when your last girlfriend or boyfriend was jealous of you all the time... they then never berate you like the other boyfriend or girlfriend did by always flying off the handle and might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it... he  or she may just drop little hints constantly and in such a way that you cannot really call them on it... it just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.

He or she is always calling you when you are supposed to be home for no apparent reason... or calling you right when you are to be home... or later that night he or she shows up with a convincing reason and really might be more along the lines of are you really alone?

Yet... it is just really hard to nail them on their jealousy because it is not really blatant in your book.

This is blatant... it is that you do not recognize it as that... this is the important thing to see here... they will take advantage of your cloudiness...and will disguise it as them just caring about you in some way and you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.

6... C.A will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life and you are needed by them. 

Otherwise they would not be reeling you in... they know that you are going to equate your worth as a man or woman... based on how much you can do for them and be needed by them and they do need you for something for a reason... so consequently in their mind it is a fair trade... you need to be needed and they need something from you... do not kid yourself into thinking this is going to be a fair trade... they stroke your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want... there is no need for them to have a conscience about this because it is like any other sales contract... if you do not read the fine print which is what I am writing is about... it is buyer beware and tough luck... a deals is a deal.

You can project your own interpretation on it all you want... in fact... they want you to... they are counting on that and your projection... regardless of how much you think it does not ever make it fact... you buy the illusion and they make a sale... now which is it that is really more important here? 

Is it the need for you to get something of worth or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you... do you have an intense need to be sold to? 

If so... then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? 

Little girls and boys trust very easily when they are looking up to a very important man or woman in their life... they are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a childs mind... if they betrayed you... abandoned you... rejected you or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way... a grown up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer abuser and you constantly second guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man or woman... you will just automatically think and feel with your little girl or boy mind in this scenario of having a man or woman in your life... whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature and responsible.

You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it... it took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life... it will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is healthy and constructive again... time is your friend when you invest it wisely.

7... C.A. need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like minds with you... a kindred spirit... soul mate sort of thing. 

When that happens... you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some important ways... this are usually sensitive issues where you really live kind of issues... therefore you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things... it would be like putting yourself on trial! 

Think about this one very hard... it is one of the worst snags that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn... they find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally... your cheerleader... your confidant... your defender etc., etc... and poof you are sucked in hook... line and sinker.

Often times... the very people who have wounded you the worst are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best and why would not they... a predator knows their victim very well... they study them... they have to in order to trap them... that is why I write articles like this... you need to "study them"... it is called BEING AWARE... instead of naive... learning to be savvy will work on your part.

Rest assured... such men and women will do "their homework" regarding... "you"... be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over... over and over again.

8.... C.A. do NOT respect you as as a person at all and they will go great lengths to convince you that they do. 

They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal where they supposedly worship at your feet... no one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives... you are the bomb! 

Just remember here that I use the word "quickly"... a lot... someone genuinely thinking you are wonderful and all that is not necessarily bad... yet it is highly suspicious when it happens very... very quickly... sure... in some rare case you could just click if you meet the right person and I do warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships... you are a sitting duck... genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time.

C.A. do not have time... they have to do everything quickly... they want what they want and they want it NOW... so hurry up and "get charmed".. so this ball game can get under way that is the way they look at it... they are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in"... this is your blind side and they go right for it... make you feel like you are "very special" as fast as they can and you will eat out of their hand.

9... They will educate you on how men or women in their past have not met the mark with them. 

How they have failed them in some respect... it is called giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a man or woman... especially if you are a man or woman who sees their worth being linked to how much you is needed by a them... they are basically saying to you... 

"Here... see what you can do... prove to me that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other men or women... do the impossible... I am waiting." 

And that is just what an abuse victim loves to hear and C.A. know this... abused men and women are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get... so this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.

10... C.A. hit you hard and heavy. 

They call you a lot... they want to be with you a lot... they will not respect your need for personal space and will disguise it with... 

"Just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind." 

They will usually talk to lot about how wonderful they are... especially in the areas of "what you need them to be"... it will be tailor made... just for you... they will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers... they will also want to pull you away from your friends... family and children... they need you to be tuned into just them if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.

Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn... so they do not want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone elses read on them... someone who is not blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you... they want to get you in that cloudy zone as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.

They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone... including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you have got going on here... they count on you to do just that... they load the gun for you and you pick it up and use it... that way their hands are clean... you did their dirty work for them... you end up driving away the very people that could help you the most.

Precisely... I said all that to say this... time is your friend... use it wisely... if there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate... step back... go more slowly than you usually do... read this article often and think about what is going on while it is going on... if you see at any time this is happening you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. 

C.A. are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them this... as if they are some powerfully important figure in your life... if they are doing this to you they are obviously NOT important to you and should not have that title as you are leaving the relationship.

I do not know how many times I see this in my work and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls so many men and women back into the web... and I have seen men and women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away and the quick snap of the C.A. rubber band is profound... you say you are walking away and they interpret this to mean you want to be talked back into it... why? 

Because you still talk to them... you get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when etc... etc... they put YOU on trial for what they did... you feel like you owe them all this whether you like it or not.. you are giving great power to someone who does not consider your best interests at all.

A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree... just so they understand you and then that is it... they have enough personal respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it... by your continuing need to engage with them tells them you do not mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries... it means nothing to them now... you may have barked at them and that is about it... you are back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place... so you are putty in their hands simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor... whatever respect you imagined them to have for you is now completely and absolutely gone... you are definitely "prey" to them now and they toy with you at will... because you have given them that power over you... they are putting a lot of trust in the fact that you do not trust your own judgement.

If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever... they instantly know that you do not trust yourself... a confident man or woman would just call it and that would be the end of it... some discussion would be allowed and he or she would trust their own mind and their own feelings... and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

It sounds crazy when you really look at it like this... that you would want validation from the very person that hurt you... that affirms you made a sound judgement... like are you going to get that validation from this person? 

I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you and this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them... often if you happen to be a victim of incest... particularly then so many times the man or woman in your life is going to represent your father or your mother to you.... so if they have assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him or her early on... you are going to treat him like a father or her as a mother would be treated.

You will give them this respect and position of power and authority over you... because that is what your little girl or little boy that you used to be would do regarding the man in her life or the woman in his life back then and since you put this person in that super powerful position... the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made is you... the victim... after all they have "first chair" with you... you have to work it out... make it fit or change it somehow... what I want to know is how can someone who has known you for such a short time have enough clout and importance in your life to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best... and that person is you!

C.A. Will Storm Your Gates In The Beginning And In The End.

They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery... comradely and empathy... in the end they will storm your gates with insults... total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all... they will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works and when you decide to walk away... like trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death does not work... then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it and if they are not getting what they want they will hit you hard... until they get that it really is over... there are more fish in the sea... so do not move your boundaries one inch... say what you mean and mean what you say... consistently and absolutely and you do not owe anyone an explanation as to why?

C.A. Are Spoiled Brats. 

They respect nothing and no one... they count on you not being able to forgive yourself for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were... that is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you... if you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say... 

“I made a mistake.”

And walk away from it... they will have you for dinner a second time around and a third and a fourth time... until they do not need you any more.

C.A. Cannot Touch You When You Are Personally Confident... Trust yourself... And Possess High Personal Esteem.

It is high time you learn how to live and be in control of your own life... it is called learning to live proactively for your own well being... a predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend... so if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arms length for awhile... make them wait for everything... the man or woman who is genuinely interested in you will not push and they will not try and dazzle you in any way.... they will wait... if they do not do this and you jump... you are in for a ride... just know it up front and put on your seat belt... always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or mother was or should have been... they are  what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it.

Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind... not your little girl or little boy mind... super heroes are fairy tales... real villains can do much damage while wearing supermans cape... in fact they can get away with anything and everything... do not give them that power... take your power back.... what is real and true and positive for you will come by way of you thinking you have the right to choose and not be chosen... prey is "chosen" by the predator.

You will become more mature in these areas by educating your little girl and little boy by growing up... somewhere along the line the child got stuck and the adult has not been able to mature.

I would like to think that by reading this article... you received a "wake up call" so that the voice you listen to is not a little girls or a little boys cries and screams for that one special man or woman to love you... it will be the voice that says I am wiser and more mature... I know what I want and what I do not want... I know where I am vulnerable and where I am strong.... my personal awareness is up and running and I am doing the choosing not the other way around.... I am in control of my life and if others do not support you in this along the way ditch them... they were never in your court to begin with and it is better they sent you a red flag so that you know who they are now... right?

Just smile and say... 

"Thank you very much... I needed that piece of information about "who you are."

And that concludes my conversation with you for this article.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 

To Speak to Ange CLICK HERE

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