The Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse And Violence  


By Ange Fonce



Please be aware this is an in depth and comprehensive article.

LIFE by a Survivor

"I was stuck in a place of pain, torment and no end. There was no way out, only a black hole without an end, when was it my time to end, that's all I could think about why was it me in this awful place, ruby red slippers I wish were in reach

I was harmed in a way I can never forget, fearing every day was the only thing in my way your mind, your dignity completely destructed by someone you once trusted.

Your words had no meaning in his eyes, all he ever did was make you cry. my children were subjected to such Missouri I tried not to allow, but you've never heard him yell once I left, that was the biggest mistake I made, it pissed him off in more ways, and I was always the blame.

I tried to fight back, I never had a chance, his power was so strong, I was used to the attack. I've endured enough, I was strong this day, I took a knife and cut my way out..."

Name withheld.

No matter who you are... you are likely to have some experience of Domestic Abuse and Violence at some stage in your life.

I am a survivor of Abuse and Violence  myself and have dedicated my life both personally and professionally to challenge... educate and rise awareness about Abuse in ALL its forms... as Abuse is a disease that is passed from one human being to another. 

This article is one of a series and focuses on DOMESTIC ABUSE.





The BIGGEST Form Of ABUSE World Wide!


You may be in an abusive relationship... wondering whether it is or simply confused by mixed emotions regarding your partner... you may have escaped and are trying to make sense of what happened... you may know someone who is being abused and want to understand what they are going through or you may be worried that you are abusive towards the person you love.

Throughout most of this article I have referred to the victim of abuse as female... the abuser as male. 

This is to simplify the grammar... ie avoiding “she/he” since there is no common word for both and make the information more readable...  I am well aware that there are many men who are either current victims of domestic abuse or have survived and escaped an abusive relationship and this trend is rising... female abuse and violence towards men is on the increase.

It does not matter whether you are male or female... you have no right to abuse another Human Being!





Are You In An Abusive Relationship?

Do you...

1... Sometimes feel afraid of your partner?

2... Feel as though the boundaries keep shifting?

3... Feel as though you can never do the right thing?

4... Often feel guilty for something you have not done?

5... Feel as though you are walking on eggshells?

6... Often change your social engagements because of your partner?

7... Want he or she to change and be nicer to you?

8... Spend more time thinking of what your partner wants than what you do?

Does your partner...

I... Get jealous easily... even without reason?

2... Nag or belittle you frequently?

3... Always want to know where you have been and what you have been doing?

4... Threaten to hurt them self or the children if you do not comply?

5... Sometimes just seem to totally ignore you for hours or days?

6... Insist on having sex even if you do not really want to?

7... Embarrass you in front of friends or family?

8... Belittle your accomplishments or trash your ideas?

If you can answer yes to most of those... then you are in an abusive relationship.





Warning Signs Of A Domestic Abuser


If you can recognise the warning signs of a domestic abuser or someone who is likely to have an abusive personality... you can save yourself and your loved ones a lot of grief and heartache... many survivors of abusive relationships have so often said that if they had just known the warning signs... they would never have got involved with their abusive partner.

And yes... it is possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently with or are about to become involved with being a domestic abuser... it is simply a matter of having the knowledge of the warning signs to look out for and being sufficiently aware to notice them... which includes not being to blinded by love... lust or desperation!

When I coach both men and women in the skills of Social Courting... part of that coaching is to pick out and recognise the red flags of the person they are courting behaviours.

Here is a list of behaviours... traits and beliefs which are common in abusive personalities... these are known as Warning Signs of abusive personalities or more commonly known as Red Flags.

While not all abusive people show the same traits or display the tendencies to the same extent... if several behavioural traits are present... there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness... generally the more warning signs are present... the greater the likelihood of violence. 

In some cases an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized and they are very exaggerated... like extreme jealousy over ridiculous things... this is known as morbid jealousy and can be a dangerous condition to be involved with... partners have died being with someone who suffers from this extreme psychological condition... I have provided a link below to explain about this extreme condition.


Often the domestic abuser will initially try to explain his or her behaviour as signs of their love and concern and the victim may be flattered at first... as time goes on the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate... control and manipulate the victim.


Controlling Jealousy...


There is a point I want to clarify here... natural jealousy which we all have is actually a healthy sign in a relationship... it is when jealousy becomes extreme and controlling it has moved from natural jealousy to a psychological means of controlling and dominating the other... controlling jealousy is no longer a healthy means of showing you care for your partner.
 
At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love... they may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day and may accuse you of flirting or be jealous of time you spend with family... friends... children or hobbies which do not include them. 

As the controlling jealousy progresses... they will call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly... they will be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else... check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you.... controlling jealousy is not proof of love... it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.


Controlling Behaviour...


Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern... concern for your safety... your emotional or mental health... the need to use your time well or to make sensible decisions. 

Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are late coming back from work... shopping... visiting friends etc... even if you told them you would be later back than usual... your abuser may question you closely about where you were... whom you spoke to... the content of every conversation you held or why you did something they were not involved in. 

As this behaviour becomes worse... you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house... clothing... going out or how you invest your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. 

Alternately... they may theoretically allow you your own decisions and then penalise you for making the wrong ones... concern for your loved ones to a certain extent is healthy... trying to control... dominate and manipulate their every move is not.





Quick Involvement...


This is another one I share when educate men and women in the art and skills of “Social Courting.”

Many victims of abuse where courting or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together... the abuser will often claim love at first sight... that you are made for each other or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly... feel so at home with... could understand them so well. 

They may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before... when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time... they need someone desperately and will pressure you to commit to him or her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached that stage they may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him or her.


Unrealistic Expectations...


The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband... wife... mother... father... lover and friend... they is very dependent on you for all their needs and may tell you... they can fulfil all your needs as lover... friend and companion.

Statements such as... 

“lf you love me... I am all you need.” 

'You are all I need.' 

Are common... your abuser may expect you to provide everything for them emotionally... practically... financially or spiritually and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.





Social Isolation...


The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction... they may prevent you from sharing time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places together they may accuse you of being tied to your mother's apron strings and not be committed to the relationship or view people who are your personal friends as causing trouble or trying to put a wedge between you. 

They may want to live in the country without a phone... not let you use the car... stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.


Blame Shifting For Problems...


Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem... if they are unemployed and cannot hold down a job... were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family... it is always someone elses fault... be it the boss... the government or their mother and or father. 

They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong or out to get them... they may make a mistake and then blame you for upsetting them or preventing them from doing as they wanted to.


Blame Shifting For Feelings...


The abuser will deny feelings that stem from within him or her and see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward them... they may tell you that... 

“You make me mad.” 

“You are hurting me by not doing what I ask.” 

And that he or she cannot help feeling mad... upset... etc. 

Feelings may be used to manipulate you i.e.... 

“I would not be angry if you did not...' 

Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser and are more difficult to detect... statements such as... 

“You make me happy.” 

“You make me feel good about myself.” 

Are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for their own sense of well being... either way... you become in his or her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for their emotional well being and happiness... consequently... you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger... upset or depression and will be punished.




Hypersensitivity...


Most abusers have very low personal esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset... they may claim their feelings are hurt when they are really angry or take unrelated comments as personal attacks... they may perceive every day issues... having to work additional hours... being asked to help out... receiving a parking fine etc.... as grave personal injustices... they may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves...e.g... blue wallpaper rather than pink etc.

Cruelty To Animals...

Just about every Human Being is guilty of this one in one form or another... the abuser though punishes and abuses animals brutally... is insensitive to their pain and suffering and neglects to care for animals to the point of cruelty e.g... not feeding them all day... leaving them in areas he or she knows will cause them suffering or distress. 

There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.... for more information and personal experiences... Google... Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.





Cruelty To Children...


The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children... they will think of children as small adults and blame the children for not being responsible... having common sense or understanding.... they may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability e.g... as in angry with a two year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet... waking at night or being upset by nightmares and will often meet out punishments for naughtiness the child could not be aware of. 

Abusers may tease children until they cry or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate...  they may not want children to eat at the table... expect them to stay quiet or keep to their room all evening while they are at home. 

Since abusers want all your attention themselves... they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have... as above cruelty to animals there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.



So Called Playful Use Of Force In Sex...


He or she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sexing or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless an abuser may let you know that the idea of rape excites them... the problem is an abuser will not play a sexing fantasy out with you... they will make it a reality.

They show little concern about whether you want to have sexing and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. 

Starting sexing while you are sleeping... demanding sexing when you are ill or tired or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go “all the way” can all be signs that he or she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.


Rigid Gender Roles...


Abusers usually demand stereotypical gender roles... a man may expect a woman to serve him... stay at home... obey him in all things... even things that are criminal in nature... a male abuser will often see women as inferior to men... more stupid... unable to be a whole person without a relationship. 

Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely... shift the responsibility for her well being onto him or heckle him as being “not a real man” if he shows any weakness or emotion... she will abuse and use him in every way to her benefit.




Verbal Abuse...


The following character traits and behaviours are BIG RED FLAGS to be aware off when you are courting a man or woman.

This is a fairly important warning sign and really quite easy to spot once you can tell all the little ways in which you are being verbally abused.... in addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful... either in public or in private... this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. 

Often the abuser will tell you that you are stupid could not manage without him or her... they may keep you up all night to “sort this out once and for all” or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. 

The abuser may say kindly things to your face to keep you sweet and speak badly about you and run you down to friends and family. 

Google... Verbal Abuse... for more information.





Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde...

4 Personality Types That Are Are Secretly Highly Toxic 


Very rarely do abusers of both sexes conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh... nasty or violent person... either in public or in private... more frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world... often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or religion and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. 

Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel... and can display apparent kindness and consideration... this Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim... while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders... many victims describe sudden changes in mood... one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical... or one minute happy and the next minute sad... this does not indicate some special mental problem... yet these behaviours are typical of abusive personalities and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.



Drink And Substance Abuse...


While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality... heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse... especially violence taking place... often an abusive person will blame the drink for their abuse and a person who knowing there is a risk they could be violent when drinking or on drugs... chooses to get drunk or high... is in effect choosing to abuse. 

The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched... and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence... they do increase the risk of violence. 

Google about Alcohol and Domestic Violence.



History of Battering Or Sexual Violence...


Very rarely is abuse or violence a one off event... a batterer will beat any woman he is with... a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all their intimate partners... situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality... sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser... sometimes the abuser may tell you himself or herself that they have hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. 

And they may further go on to explain that... 

"She made me do it by ..." 

“He made me do it by...”

In some way or other they will not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim... they may tell you that it will not happen with you because... 

"You love them enough to prevent it." 

“You will not be stupid enough to wind me up that much."

Once again... this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse... and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse free on to you. 

And if you do not see those as HUGE RED FLAGS... take of the rose tinted glasses will you!

Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur... if at all possible... try to speak to their previous partners.




Negative Attitude Toward Women Or Men...


Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before... who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends... they may tell you that you are special... not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman... it is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and do not deserve their respect.

All of the above applies equally to women with a negative attitude towards men.


Threatening Violence...


This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as... 

"If you speak to her again... I will kill you."

"If any wife of mine acted like Johns did... I would give her a right seeing to." 

Threats are designed to manipulate and control you... to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions... healthy men and women do not threaten their mates... yet an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying... 

"Everybody talks like that." 

Maintaining they is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to them... tell you that you are being over sensitive... for being upset by such threats or obviously want to hurt you. 

Threats can also be less overt such as... 

"If you leave me... I will kill myself." 

"You are so wonderful... I will never let you go... I could not live without you."


Breaking Or Striking Objects...


The abusive personality may break your treasured object... beat their fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you... breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. 

Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with them... you do not need these items any more.... breaking your possessions also has the effect of de personalising you... denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. 

Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound them up so much they lost control... once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you... and is actually used to terrorise you into submission... only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.


Physical Force During An Argument...


BIG warning sign! 

What starts off in early courtship as a bit of a push or a shove... can turn into full blown beatings not long down the road.... an abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room... lash out at you with their hand or another object... pin you against a wall or shout right in your face.

Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that serious physical violence is a strong possibility. 






THE VICTIM

Abuse Victim Characteristics...


Although there is no specific type of person who is more likely to be abused... there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. 

These can include...

Low personal esteem

Emotional and economic dependency

Continued faith and hope abuser will grow up

Depression

Stress disorders and or psychosomatic complaints

Accepts blame and guilt for violence

Socially isolated... avoids social interaction... never seems to be alone

Believes social myths about battering

Believes in stereotypical sex roles

Has poor personal image

Contemplates or attempts suicide or self harms

Participation in pecking order battering

Appears nervous or anxious

May defend any criticism of abuser

May have repeatedly left or considered leaving the relationship.

Although the above list is not exhaustive and may not always indicate an abusive relationship... many abuse victims show many of these behaviours and attitudes or change in some other subtle way.

Research would also seem to indicate that victims of domestic violence have a higher incidence of alcohol or drug abuse... this might be prescription drugs rather than street drugs... than non victims. 

According to Stark & Flitcraft 1996... women who experience domestic violence are 15 times more likely to have alcohol dependency and 9 times more likely to have a drug problem than women not experiencing domestic violence... rates of misuse of both increase after the first violent episode. 

According to the British Crime Survey self completion questionnaire... Home Office Research Study 191... the risk of suffering domestic violence is also associated with increased alcohol consumption for both male and female victims.

Another of the abuse victim characteristics is suffering from what is called traumatic bonding... where to put it very briefly... a very strong emotional bond is built up with increases the more trauma is experienced... this is why so many abuse victims feel that they really really love their abuser... they are mistaking traumatic bonding with love.

If you recognise the above abuse victim characteristics in yourself... a family member or a friend... please consider the possibility that they may be in an abusive relationship... seek further information on domestic abuse and consider calling a helpline.

If you never do ANYTHING about ABUSE in any form... it will never be stopped... WE are all RESPONSIBLE for challenging and stopping ABUSE!





ABUSE IS A DISEASE!

And it is only by our own ACTIONS that will be the cure for it.

As you may well be aware now by reading this article... any form of  ABUSE cannot be covered just in one article alone.

And practically speaking that completes my conversation for this article.

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely




Dynamic Lifer... Tribe of Dynamic Lifers

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist... Sexologist and Multipreneur... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you Know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation for what you would like help with CLICK HERE





"Transformation happens when people fall in love with a different version of themselves and their future!"


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