Relationship... Sexing... Love And Science

"Cohabitation" The Trial Marriage 

By Ange Fonce  

Here is a fun exercise for you to start this article with... 

Take a moment and think of friends of yours who have got married recently... say in the last five years... then out of those couples... count the ones who did not live with one another beforehand.

How many did you count?

So many couples in the modern world treat living together as a natural... a necessary step in their relationship

The idea of following a courting path to marriage seems to have become more the exception than the rule these days... now why is that... what are the ramifications? 

Inquiring minds like mine want to know and it is an ever growing pattern I have been observing in my professional and personal life for the last thirty years that this has become a norm for the vast majority of todays relationships!

And The Trend Simply Goes Like This...

1... Boy and girl meet... boy and girl have a few meet ups.

2... Boy and girl start having sexing... usually within weeks of meeting each other. 

3... Boy and girl become implicitly exclusive... they mistake raging hormones called chemistry for Love.

4... Boy tells girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her... men can fall in love at the drop of a hat as he is getting a good supply of sexing

5... Boy asks girl to move in together... she agrees as he seems an okay guy and she is enjoying the sexing and attention

6... She gets pregnant. 

7... They marry.... then start to realize they do not actually “like” each other.

8... Relationship goes downhill... they ague... fight... have affairs. 

9... Separation usually ending in Divorce 

10... Repeat cycle... do the same mistakes again... except now there is the addition of kids and ex partners and other complications in the mix now.

And that is where they stand as far as I know.... does that sequence of events not seem strange to anyone else? 

Apparently not and it blows my mind as to how modern relationships have become like this.

See each other a little... start sexing as quick as possible... live together...  then comes marriage if they get that far... have kids and kids can come before marriage... then most often separation and divorce.

So unstable... did you know that the odds of you ending up divorced within 10... 15 years is now running at about 76%... that is 76 out of every 100 relationships will end... that is mind blowing when you start putting those figures in the context of the million mark!

And then add to that... more men and women are electing to stay single these days... being single is far more appealing to them and they will engage more in short term affairs then being involved in a long term relationship

Why is this?

I get the whole idea of the college hookup culture... where a bang first maybe get together later or not at all is the norm. 

Yet why are men and women carrying this behaviour into adulthood... where you are supposedly using courting as a means to seek out a partner to create a relationship with and raise children together? 

Dating is no longer about seeking a potential long term mate... dating has just become about sexing and sex alone cannot create a relationship that is sustainable and will grow in maturity and stand the tests of life.

Ladies... here is a tip from a professional who works in the courting and relationship field... this  stands as an absolute in my "personal" life. 

If you and I get intimate in the first couple of times we hang out together... at no point afterwards am I ever going to see you as the kind of woman I would go ring shopping for... I cannot speak for every man on the planet... yet if you want to land a "Quality Man" and yes you totally do... heading to the pubic zone early on in our interactions is not a way to earn my respect... trust and admiration

Not the kind of admiration you are looking for anyway. 

That said... I do not really care how people find themselves coming together... what I fail to wrap my head around are steps 4 and 5... in step 4... notice that I did not say he proposed..

No he did not... he did though actually bother to make an overture to tell her that he wanted to be with her forever without making any reference to commitment or marriage... this to me is the most half assed... insecure... immature... situational unromantic thing you could say to a woman and I will be very honest and blunt here... a typical wuss man thing to do. 

And why are you as women saying yes to such things... where is your self respect and VALUE?

I am aware there are steps between... 

“I love you.” 


“Will you marry me?” 

Save for what was the traditional... 

“It is over because I slept with your best friend... sister... mother.” 

And yes... those things do happen.

Now apparently these steps have become 

“Let me mechanically and equivocally explain my intentions... that I may sleep with your best friend... sister... mother.” 

And yes that can and does happen the other way too... best friend... brother... father.

Or it would be more likely to be...

“Let us live together just to see how this goes first.” 

The last part is really what gets me... 

Cohabitation... The Trial Marriage

When exactly did this become a step?

I have one simple rule regarding that and I have explained it to every women I have been in a relationship with... I will never under any circumstances... cohabitate with a woman I am not going to get very serious with...  because when I "commit" myself it is going to be all the way... no "half way house" which is neither here or there.

My rationale is simple... there is science from a study by William G. Axinn and Arland Thornton:

“We develop hypotheses predicting that premarital cohabitation is selective of those who are prone to divorce as well as hypotheses predicting that the experience of premarital cohabitation produces attitudes and values which increase the probability of divorce... the study results are consistent with hypotheses suggesting that cohabitation is selective of men and women who are less committed to marriage and more approving of divorce... the results also are consistent with the conclusion that cohabiting experiences significantly increase young peoples acceptance of divorce.”

Cohabitation and divorce are linked...

“The results are consistent with the conclusion that cohabiting experiences significantly increase young peoples acceptance of divorce.” 

That is called a correlation and while it is not the same as causation... it is the closest you are going to get in a study dealing with so many human variables... now there are proponents of cohabitation who are quick to point out that studies like this probably do not control for differing ideologies... which is a great argument to pose if you do not understand how controlled sociological studies work... for me the conclusion of that study and the myriad others like it is good enough reason to avoid it.

I think there is a pretty simple reason for the results... 

Cohabitation artificially downplays the monumental change that comes with being married... so many couples... particularly of todays generations treat living together as a natural necessary step in their relationship

They treat it as they would the LSAT test... as though the idea of a “practice marriage” will help them get it right the first time... it will not and it does not... I KNOW as I have a continuing stream of clients in my office and on line!

Any married couple you talk to regardless of whether they lived together first or not... will tell you that everything changes once you say... 

“I do.” 

It might not be the day you get the piece of paper in your hand and at some point you are going to realize that no amount of practice can prepare you for being legally... morally... sexually and often spiritually accountable and obligated to another human being.

People will argue with... 

“You do not really know someone until you live with them.” 

Using it as justification for a practice lap...the way I see it you cannot really know what someones made of until you share tax responsibilities and as far as I know... there is no practising that... besides if you are serious enough to contemplate living together are you not probably spending most of your time at one persons place or the other? 

How much more assurance does our over coached... failure averse pampered modern generations need... what has happened to REAL Masculinity and Femininity in this politically correct world?

And where is there REAL relationship advice that used to be passed on from Mother to daughter and Father to son and here young men have really dipped out... with so many Fathers absenting and young boys growing up with no "positive male role models"... so in turn not really knowing how to "relate" to women... so now we have generations of fem men and ball busting women!

No matter how great a woman is as a Mother... she is not a Man!

Fear Of Failure Increases The Reality Of Failing

And I think that is the key here... failure aversion

Being scared of being  Masculine and Feminine in this politically correct neutered world... it has become like being a Masculine Man or being a Feminine Woman is now "dirty" words... there is something very flawed with modern relationships.

There are a lot of factors at play here...  it is not simple and I am finding more and more young men and women and older ones too... are badly informed and equipped for a long term relationship despite all the information that is out there and maybe that is the problem... far to much information from every Tom... Dick... Harry... Lucy.... Mary and Jane who may know the theories... yet know little about the REAL practical basics that make a relationship work in the REAL World!

And Google is not a real relationship expert with real life experience either! 

Yes... it is a great source of information... yet it cannot relate to you as an individual with real relationships needs as another Experienced Human Being can!

I understand wanting to be as sure as you can that your beloved is really “the one” and getting married is referred to as “taking the plunge” for a reason... it is about two people growing together... literally rebooting their lives and starting a brand new one... it is about starting a home together... picking out furniture and arguing the finer points of interior decorating... whether you are moving into the other persons place or shopping for a new one... it is about finding a way to deal with and overcome the most truly irreconcilable differences of a new chapter in your life... every single day for the rest of your life... because you have some skin committed in the game.

You cannot just walk away... because you entered into a contract with this person and there are consequences. 

On the other hand... if you start out life together by signing a lease before you sign a marriage license... failure has no or little consequences... you just stop... in other words... you have found a way to make your failure situational rather than personal... rather than feeling like the two of you failed to keep your relationship together... which you did make no mistake about it... it is as easy as saying... 

“Oh things were great... but we just could not live together.” 

In that way... cohabitation becomes a track meets sixth place participant ribbon... an undeserved way to validate your insufficient efforts... yes read that again...

"An undeserved way to validate your insufficient efforts."

Would you "fight" for your "cohabitation" as you would for your "Marriage?"

I think what bothers me even more than the idea of a practice marriage is that cohabitation is now seen as a next step to furthering the relationship... really... how lazy have we become as modern men and women when we view asking someone to split rent with us as a romantic overture? 

I realize that it can often save both of you a lot of money... yet do we really expect men and women to swoon and view such a gesture as a sign of commitment

The sad thing is that some men and  women do... in fact many men and women actually do.

... Stop Settling For Make Do.

Maybe women are finding it so hard to lock a man down these days that they will take whatever sign of progress they can get... if their relationship began with more regular invites to come over and smoke weed with their boyfriend and being asked to take up half of his dresser is a move forward indeed for womens liberation... if that is the case then women have become just as lazy and apathetic about courting and relationships as men have and that indeed is a sad thing. 

For centuries... 99.9% of all decisions men have made have been related to attracting and retaining the affections of the opposite sex... men have literally died trying to impress women and while I am not saying that’s a good practice... noble and romantic as it maybe and it is not very practical considering you want to be with the man and he with you.

I think a lot more discernment and higher standards expected of each other would go a long way for both men and women and the relationships between both sexes... I understand that the younger generation smugly thinks...

"The rules do not apply to them."

And that they can reason their way out of everything because they can pull up Wikipedia on their iPhones... they might try to run their lives with a risk management strategy that would make the health and safety establishment seem careless. 

Yet... REAL life does not work that way.

How hard must it be to stay excited about a marriage when the first day you are married is exactly the same as the last day of your cohabitation... what are you looking forward too in your future?

The more planning you engage in and less risk you try to mitigate... the duller the best possible outcome seems... worst of all I could see the sense to taking a metered approach to your love life if there was any evidence that it worked... yet it does not... you cannot "plan" a relationship between two people and it is not "risk" free!

A quick Google search will come up with loads of the closest we are ever going to get to empirical evidence to the contrary... about 76% of all marriages in the UK and USA will end up in divorce and that figure is predicted to rise! 

That figure alone will tell you something is now fundamentally flawed with relationships between men and women... it is lower in most places in Europe... although in Australia the divorce rate is climbing.

I do claim to be an expert in the field of Human Relationships and I am by no means calling for a return to a time when we men left calling cards in a ladies foyer or have long sit down discussions about going steady and I do know that love is not communicated as a surgical expression of intent... nor is it cultivated as part of a five year plan... that is for business... career and personal goals... not for a Relationship to last a Lifetime!

And as for the soul mate and twin flame fantasy... just do not go there... how many women waste their lives waiting for this to happen is a tragedy... I have seen some great men who would have made a great lover and partner in real relationship be passed over because of this crazy fantasy that so many women believe in.

Sometimes you just have to take the plunge into the depths of the ocean... swim and get to know all the ebbs and flows... the depths and "Intimacies" of Real Relationship Life and Commit to it and make it WORK!

There is something to be said for the way of "courting"... two people who ACTUALLY invest TIME in getting to know each other... who they are... what their "values" are... time to get to KNOW  them as an INDIVIDUAL... there is a whole dance of "Seduction" and YES I will use the word "Seduction" before you even get to the sexing and when you do... it is the  "Sweet Delight" as part of the dance... which then leads into the deeper “Intimacy” of a relationship and Marriage for most people...  yes I agree not all... not everyone is marriage material.

Because once sexing becomes part of the game plan... it alters things radically and not always for the best... sexing is to be treated with respect and not as some recreational pastime... because there are REAL consequences with sexing... it is called pregnancy and possible the unwelcome bonus of STDs!

And as a parting thought for this article... especially for women... it takes just one sperm to meet one egg in YOUR womb and you have got yourself a room mate for the next nine months and a commitment for at least the next 18 years of your life or even more. 

So would it not be best to INVEST TIME from the very beginning in REALLY getting to KNOW a man so you can choose wisely... you want a REAL MAN who is going to turn up and be around for the whole show... because  there is something in these words you know... Till Death Do Us Part!

It is not just the "first act"... there is no I will try or maybe in relationships... you either DO or DO NOT DO!

You go all out for the WIN WIN or it is no deal... because after all what is the point of just trying and making do and that maybe it will be okay?

And practically speaking that completes my conversation for this article.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright kick arse person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation  CLICK HERE

"Transformation happens when people fall in love with a different version of themselves and their future!"

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