Is Honesty Always The Best Policy To Pursue In Relationships?

By Ange Fonce

Honesty is the cruellest game of all because not only can you hurt someone and hurt them to the bone... you can feel self righteous about it at the same time.

Honesty may be one of the most misunderstood values we humans hold dear. 

While an outright lie or deceitfulness is certainly no way to live and may even wind you up in jail... all too often we use honesty to avoid the hard work of handling a difficult situation with finesse and intelligence

"I am just being honest!" 

Is said after a co worker is obviously hurt by a blunt and unedited comment and this kind of response always holds a double edge sword... it hurts the person AND allows the sender to feel like a good person all in one comment... when actually you are being a self righteous bastard! 

Pretty tempting is it not to be justified in yourself by just being honest to cause hurt and pain... usually these "honesty at all times no matter what" types are angry and judgemental people who have been taught that they can play judge and jury with full permission by simply labelling their hatefulness as honesty and many stand before them stunned and hurt... scratching their heads wondering what is wrong with them that they are not receptive to this honesty stuff that is supposed to be so hard to come by... the social reality is that our lower base and usually private thoughts should be kept in a safe place... in our own minds. 

Is Honesty The Best Way?

People must learn that telling social white lies and therefore editing their ugly and unkind thoughts is a necessary component to our socialization and getting along with each other and as an added keeps people from slugging each other... imagine if everyone was totally honest... there would be carnage! 

How often do you think you tell a lie or at least a half truth on a daily basis? 

Twice a day? 

Five times a day? 


I would say ten times that.

Answer these questions as you normally would... then answer them HONESTLY...

How are you today?

Did you have a nice weekend?

Do you not just love being a parent?

Would you like to go to my church with me... we are having a pot luck for new members?

What do you think of my hair... my kids think it makes me look old.

Would you read this over and get back to me ASAP?

Would it be all right if I shared your office today?

Do I talk too loud on the phone?

Do you think I am too blunt?

And so it goes on... we lie all day to keep the peace and avoid getting slugged. 

The first time my son said... 

"That lady is fat!"

At the ripe old age of 3... I immediately taught him that the right thing to do was to lie or at least to withhold his true feelings and perceptions until we got into the car... he was being honest as children are... it was me that did not want to get slugged... so we lie and we avoid and we squirm to avoid this thing called honesty

People who do not filter their every thought will find themselves in a much bigger dilemma than someone who tells the socially acceptable lie... it is really a matter or which you hold MORE dear... honesty or loving kindness?

Cannot These Traits Live In Harmony? 

Yes... honesty can be loving... trusting and respectful... it is rare person that can put these 3 together... more often honesty is just a way to judge someone for not being like you... thinking like you... acting like you because really what you are saying is... 

"If you were more like me I would not judge you... but you are like YOU and I do not like it." 

We will not or cannot take the extra effort to find the words within us to show the compassion that will help someone progress in a way that does not insult their current choices... it can be done and there is deep work involved in creating statements that reflect kindness... compassion and truth. 

"Kindness and honesty can only be expected from the strong."

Said Mother Theresa and most of us just are not there yet.

Next I am going to share with you a TRUE Story based on a REAL LIFE relationship of how honesty become completely bent out of shape to justify a terrible act on a person who was innocent of what they were accused off.

"The WORST Break Up Story Ever" 

Before I get started a couple things...

1... It is awful.... I shared this this story with a female friend and she said it was like a horror story and it made her want to vomit.

2... It involves sex and misguided REVENGE and gets slightly graphic so do not read it if you do not want to hear about that sort of thing.

3... This DESTROYED a client of mine ability to TRUST for a very LONG time!

So here we go... I have changed the names of the couple involved and for the sake of this story I am going to call my client "Ted" and I am going to call his ex wife and the mother of his children "Tiffany."

The fact is I often have stories like this shared with me... I sat there listening and saw the absolute horror in the mans eyes as he told me what his ex wife did to him to end their marriage.

This is Teds story...

Ted was a moody guy... intense and I noticed that when he talked about women or when women showed any kind of interest in him Ted got "stressed"... his jaw clenched... his hands balled slightly into fists... his eyes went wide.

We had been working together for a considerable time when Ted finally emotionally opened up and shred what had happened... what his ex wife had done... why he could NEVER trust a woman again for a LONG time.

Here is what happened...

Ted and Tiffany got married when they were 25. 

Ted was successful at a really young age and him and Tiffany bought a big house in the middle of the country somewhere where they could raise their two adopted kids and Ted thought they were happy... yet Tiffany somehow got it into her head that Ted was cheating on her.

You see Ted had to travell a few times a month for work and for some reason Tiffany was convinced that he was sneaking around behind her back... in fact Tiffany was SO convinced that Ted was sleeping with floozy after floozy on these trips that she hired a private investigator to follow him on his next trip.

The PI tracked Ted like something out of a movie... he took pictures of Ted at his hotel... Ted at dinner... Ted walking around reading a book... the PI went back to Tiffany and said... 

"Your husband might be the most boring man alive and he is not cheating on you."

Tiffany did not like that answer... something in the back of her mind said he HAD to be cheating... so she hired another PI.

And this time same story... the PI followed Ted while he was on his business trip... Ted ate dinner... watched a movie in his room... went to a book store.


The PI went back to Tiffany and said... 

"He is not cheating... unless he has got a fetish for hotel pillows."

And again Tiffany was not convinced... she KNEW he was cheating... she KNEW it somewhere deep in the core of her... so she planned the worst birthday surprise ever... she planned her revenge... she was just going to be honest with the cheating bastard.

Ted had to travel right before his 30th birthday... when he landed at the airport he flipped open his phone and saw a message from Tiffany that said...

"Happy Birthday... come right home I have a surprise for you."

Ted went right home... he was tired from the plane... he was mourning the death of his 20s and he figured he had a great night ahead of him with his beautiful and adoring wife.

He got home and there she was at the front door... the kids were at a friends house... she kissed him when he came in.

"Are you my surprise?" 

He asked her and he wanted to melt into her after his long trip.

"No... your surprise is upstairs in your office... you want to see it?"

Ted smiled... this was going to be fun... he climbed the stairs two at a time... he walked into his office and his legs went weak under him as he saw it... in fact his legs just buckled and he fell to the floor and a part of his brain just unhooked... a part of his heart just cauterized right there in a way that would never heal.

Ted did financial trading stuff so he had four computer monitors and right there on the monitors were pictures... dozens of pictures of his beautiful wife who he loved so much.





F69king with guy after guy after guy and not just any guys... these guys he knew... guys he considered friends... one of his best friends from high school right there on Teds bed... a friend he got drinks with every Monday night and she was on her knees naked giving him a blow job... 10 guys in total and he knew every one of them.

As Ted sat there dumbfounded on the floor Tiffany just smiled and said... 

"Serves you right you bastard... I am just being honest with you... serves you right you cheater."

Needless to say... that was the end of Ted and Tiffany.

And that was also the end of Teds ability to love and trust women for a long... long time... over 20 years actually and even though Ted never cheated... he is definitely not the type... to Tiffany he has never taken revenge... he just wants her gone completely from his life.

Convinced by her belief he was cheating on her... she was just being honest and took her REVENGE and is still trying to make his life hell as she is convinced he still has not paid enough.

Is this not a horrible story or what? 

I mean it SOUNDS like something out of a horror movie yet this is actually true.

So why am I sharing this story with you?

A few reasons...

1... Because when you convince yourself in your head and that you believe that another person is doing something wrong... even when there is no proof or the evidence says otherwise and you feel you are justified in just being honest and inflecting pain on that person... YOU have got a SERIOUS PROBLEM!

2... To put things in perspective... a lot of people share with me how awful their break up is or some real horror stories like the one I have just shared with you and I have to admit this was a mean one relationship wise... do not get me wrong... people do awful things when they break up yet this one was just CRUEL and she justified it all... by just being honest?

3... To tell you that even though it took a long time and much work with Ted... he has been able to heal and move on... he has got a great woman in his life now and he is happy again... though he obviously never talk to any of those "friends" any more and we are still working together on rebuilding his trust and this lovely lady is supporting him.

And although Ted never actually suffered any physical harm... the psychological ABUSE was MASSIVE!

And if Ted can move on from THIS... although his ex wife still tries to make his life hell by the way... she is obsessed that he cheated on her and keeps to her story to justify her actions and that she was just being honest... well I think you can move on from whatever is plaguing you. 

And if you are stuck and suffering from trauma... I strongly suggest you seek help... you really do not have to suffer alone.

And for those of you who think and feel that being honest is always the best way... think again!

Honesty is very much a double edged sword and when used in a constructive way with kindness and compassion can be very healing and when used in a destructive way... terribly wounding.

So think before you decide about “just being honest”... what really is your intention and have you considered the consequences?

Is your intention to be constructive or to justify yourself in destroying?

Honesty is not always the most productive or best way... sometimes it is better and more constructive to let certain sleeping dogs lie!

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright kick arse person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you Know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation for any problems you would like help with CLICK HERE

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