Important Conversation Technique To Deal With Conflict

By Ange Fonce

The most Important Conversation Technique to learn to deal with conflict in relationships.

“I can’t believe you did that.” Brenda sat, stunned. “I’m so mad at you!”

“Why? Why do you have to control everything I do?” David replied. “I have a right to do things without checking in with you first.”

“Then you shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship, because that’s what people in relationships do. They check in with each other. They communicate.”

“By yelling at each other? Like you do all the time with me?”

“I’m not yelling! This isn’t about me. This is about you. You not caring. You not respecting me.”

David shrugged. “I’d respect you a lot more if you didn’t blow up at me about everything.”

“I’ve had it.” Brenda got up. “I’m going to go cool off, but this isn’t over.”

Though you might not think it from this argument, Brenda and David actually loved each other very much. They were one of my favorite couples to work with. Her high-octane energy perfectly complemented his laid-back coolness. They had been together for years. Yet they wanted to sort a few things out before taking the next step... to start a family.

Which is why Brenda came to talk to me.

She knew the way she and David argued was not healthy. She did not want them to be the kind of parents who fought in front of their kids.

Yet she did not know what to do. They were stuck in a pattern where nothing she did could get through to David. He just ignored her and did what he wanted anyway.

In fact, just moments before this argument, they had been snuggling together on the couch, watching television. During an ad break, she had asked him about his day. He casually mentioned the deposit he made for an expensive mountain bike.

Money is one of the biggest trigger points for couples. And my this couple were no exception.

Brenda thought they were on the same page about saving up for a deposit on a house. How could they have a family if they did not have a family home? And how would David make a good dad if he continued to be so selfish?

I paused and waited till I had Brenda’s full attention before asking her... 

“Do you really want this pattern to change?”

“Absolutely!” she said.

“Even if it is going to be hard?”

“I’m in.”

I could see the conviction in her eyes. 

“Then I am going to teach you a type of dialogue that is going to change everything.”

Intentional dialogue is a technique that transforms relationships. ANY kind of relationship.

Your relationship with your partner. Your parents. Your children. Your clients.

It drains the conflict from difficult conversations. It stops the vicious cycle of attack and counterattack. And it makes you feel closer and more connected than ever.

Intentional dialogue will give you the kind of relationship you have never had before - one in which it is safe to voice your feelings. Safe to disagree.

How do you do it?

It is a three-step process that becomes quite natural the more you use it.

And the more you use it, the more you will want to use it - because you will see for yourself how good it feels.

It goes like this:


1... Mirror

When you look in the mirror, you expect to see an accurate reflection of yourself, not a distortion.

Similarly, when you say something, you expect your partner to hear what you said - not what he thought you probably meant.

Here is what typically happens. You say one thing; he interprets it in a way you did not mean. And vice versa.

That is why mirroring is important.

It is the process of repeating back to your partner what you thought he/she said and asking if you got it right.

For example:

“So you put a deposit down on the bike because you wanted to make sure you took time to do all those things you love before giving it all up to have kids. Did I understand you correctly?”

Keep asking until you have got it right.

2... Validate

You may not agree with your partner, yet you can you accurately reflect back what you hear him saying about his motivation (without cynicism)? That is all you have to do here.

For example:

“Given what you have told me, I can see why you would feel that you might have to give up mountain biking when we become parents. I can see why you felt the urge to take action while you still have time for those adventures.”

3... Empathize

The final step is to empathize. Respond to what he is feeling from the heart.

“I’m worried about what we’ll have to give up once we have children, too. It’s a scary leap.”

Can you see how the conversation between Brenda and David would have gone quite differently if they had used intentional dialogue?

Make no mistake:

It is HARD to be intentional when you are triggered, hurt and upset.

The challenge with intentional dialogue is not the technique itself, yet choosing to use it when you are spoiling for a fight.

And what matters most to you? 

Winning the fight or keeping the love?

I thought so. 

You will get a more loving relationship bonus if you with your partner develop this technique and practice it with them before your next heated argument.

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

Please comment below.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving, Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Coach Ange Fonce

Ange is an Dynamic Personal Development Coach who works with those men and women who want to personally and powerfully develop their confidence, relationships, sexing, health and wealth!

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