How To Deal With Abuse Anger And Rage

The Dynamic Way

By Ange Fonce

If you have been a reader of The DYNAMIC Express Magazine for some time or even if this is your first visit here... you know I usually write about the more positive aspects of Personal Development and I have decided to share with you the other aspects of my profession and life long crusade... dealing with ABUSE and helping those who have suffered abuse to heal and then grow to live their lives as best as they can. 

Not everyone can... the abuse they have undergone has greatly damaged them.

So in this article I am going to write about abuse and focus on ANGER which does affect many men and women in their lives.

I will start with my own personal story... I grew up being mentally... emotionally and physically abused for many years and it did not stop until I run away when I was 15 years old.

My abuser is now dead... yet the legacy of their abuse lived with me way into my adult life and affected me in many ways because of their wraped sense of Religion and I will be writing about this form of abuse in a frothcoming article dealing with RTS... Religious Trauma Syndrome.

The most difficult emotion for many to deal with in their recovery is ANGER and I know that I suffered a lot of body pain when I was younger and I am sure that it was because of the abuse that I had undergone as a child growing up.


Because every time I would allow myself to feel angry... the sleeping beast of rage seething beneath my anger would stir and my rage is something I had never allowed myself to feel... I was afraid if I did it would totally engulf my body and I would die or possible someone else would... really I did not know exactly what would happen I was just afraid of the unknown.

All I know is that when I would start to feel angry... my body would tense up and I wanted to hit something... throw something... scream... just DO something to someone and was foreign to me and I told myself... 

"You cannot act that way!"

I was rageful in my dreams... I would scream... yell and try to fight my abuser and my abuser would still laugh at me and in the end... I had accomplished nothing and I would wake up in a sweat feeling worn out and defeated and this went on and on and I knew that I had to do something about it.

My paintings were showing my abuse anger and my feelings of helplessness... yes I felt totally helpless because I was not expressing my abuse anger and rage in a way that was healthy.... I was not getting it out and it was still controlling me!

It was when I started to train as a therapist... that I started to learn healthy ways of dealing with abuse anger and I decided for myself I would do whatever it took to release that suppressed raging anger as long as I did not hurt myself or anyone else. 

I was living alone at the time... so I did not have to worry about getting anyone out of the house.

And so I developed a personal ritual where I decided to just let myself feel the rage in a safe place and no matter what would happen I would trust that I would be all right... I cleared out a room in the place I was living at the time of all glass and valuable things... I left only things that I would not care if I destroyed them or not... I made sure that I would be safe and I brought in pictures of myself at the ages of my abuse and of my abuser along with a lot of pillows... I brought in Kleenex... LOTS of Kleenex.

I put a chair in the middle of the room and decided that it would be my abusers chair... this is a method used in therapy called the Empty Chair.

I made sure there was a thick rug on the floor for fist pounding... just in case and yes I brought a plastic baseball bat and a stuffed toy from a charity shop and I am not ashamed to say it... then I was ready.

I sat on my sofa and pretended to talk to my abuser... I told the other exactly how angry I was for them hurting me... abusing me and taking away my innocence and childhood... the angry monster began to stir and the rage began to come to the surface and I kept talking... talking turned into yelling... I started throwing pillows at the chair... I started hitting the pillows... I screamed at the chair... I pounded my fists on the rug... I stomped my feet... I beat the pillows with the bat.

I basically threw a massive temper tantrum and it went on about 20 minutes and I beat the hell out of that stuffed toy letting out the RAGE until I burst into tears and sobbed... I grabbed that stuffed toy and hugged it and rocked with it as I cried... it was my comfort and I needed comfort... I cried and cried and I cannot really tell you for how long. 

It seemed like hours and I can say I cried till there were no more tears... I felt limp.... no energy... no rage left... released... just peace for the moment and I savored it.

It took me a moment to comprehend... then I realized I was still there and the rage had NOT destroyed me and in fact I had not destroyed anything... I actually smiled a tired smile yet a REAL smile... something I had not done in a long time I had made peace with my rage.

Abuse anger does not just disappear after one night and from that moment I have made enormous progress and I know that it was okay for me to feel anger and I knew that one day I could write about it and not feel any shame or guilt for the abuse that happened to me.

There were other ways too... talking about it with other survivors helped too and over time my dreams began to change as I began confronting my abuser regarding my abuse anger and began feeling stronger... I would still have bad times now and then because nothing changes overnight.

It would be good if it could as time is the key with healing for example... 

When I would encounter my abuser in a dream... if they would start to belittle me I would just say to them... 

"I have nothing more to do with you." 

And I would just walk away feeling really good inside and in control... forgiving your abuser is NOT for everyone and it is not necessary for your recovery... I wanted to recover for ME!

How YOU Approach Your Abuse And Rage Is Very Personal. 

There are many ways to deal with it as some traditional ways DO work and if you are working with a counsellor or therapist who has experience in this field trust them and do what they suggest... there are many books out there about anger because it is such a powerful emotion and honestly when underneath your anger is RAGE... it can control and actually ruin your life if you allow it to do so... do not let it as that is letting your abuser win... take your power back and if you have to go out to in the middle of a cornfield and scream at the top of your lungs... then do it and be prepared for people to come running... my point is get it out in a way that does not hurt you or anyone else! 

Just think about this for a moment if you hit women or children or use physical violence towards others...


I listened to music and I would listen to men and women sing songs with angry lyrics for while it really did help me... Alanis Morrisette... Amanda Marshall... Madonna... just to name a few as there were many artists I listened to... if there was an angry song out there I found it and listened to it over and over and over... well you get the message it was cathartic for me at the time and it helped get the abuse anger feelings out... it is good as long as you do not stay stuck in the anger as you need to move on as staying in the abuse anger perpetuates more anger.

It is imperative that you remember that your goal should be to get it out and move on... it is like moving from victim to survivor to being healed... you have it in you as I know it is a choice and just like recovery and everything else in life... you have the power and control to make that choice.

It is up to you to take the FIRST STEP on your journey of recovery!


The best self help tip I can give you is to work with a therapist who knows and understands how to work with abuse anger.

And here are some tips you can use for yourself right now...

Do not make it about them and do not use the word YOU when referring to your abuser.

Here is the practice and basically I am asking you to observe the same rules here as I ask you to observe this with a man or woman or a child so you can practice.

And I know how hard it is... how easy it is to feel triggered and angry and not know what to do with it and want to practice expressing it in a safe and healthy way.

I would like you to be BOLD!

I would you to speak the Truth of what you FEEL!

And I would like you to be Authentic without shame or guilt about you abuse... anger and rage.

And I would like you to do it in a certain way that is all about you and zero about them or anyone else... just because a person triggers anger in you does not mean it is about them... if a person breaks into your house... hurts you and robs you that is a lot harder.

You do not need to ask yourself why was I home at that time... you do not need to analyze your behaviour because a person came into your space and even with the best defence you could muster... however that looked they did something that impacted you.

In relationships it can be like this...  a man or a woman can cheat on you and give you a horrible disease... a man or a woman can gamble away all your money and leave you destitute... a man or a woman can lie and be deceitful and not be honest about anything... steal from you and leave you in debt and so many more other things.

In this circumstance they did this and abused you as the accidental bystander... in this circumstance of rage lots of YOU words seems totally justified and of course it is righteous to be angry when someone abuses and hurts you on purpose. 

And for purposes of getting you to where you want to go in love... I would like you not to focus on this righteous anger... I would like you to focus on the language and mindset around ANYTHING no matter HOW horrible it was or is that will work best to HEAL the depths of pain... shame... guilt... fear... grief that the righteous anger is surrounding it for you in a very positive way.

I would like to encourage you to connect with... channel and USE your anger and yet SPEAK in words of only YOURSELF instead of using your anger to strike out at the perpetrator because of what they did... I would like you to simply express that anger out because that propulsion of emotion is what YOU FEEL!

I would like you to OWN YOUR ANGER and take Responsibility for YOUR ANGER and start saying...


Instead of YOU... YOU... YOU... in other words you need no excuse to feel and express rage as it belongs to you and it is part of YOUR healing emotions... because nothing you do say or think can change what has already happened.

I would like you to do what is best for you NOW!

And what is best for you is to focus on you... the process is pretty methodical... you follow your own inner workings and process and share it as much as you can in a healthy way and this is totally different from complaining and totally different from wanting other people to feel bad by using the word you and getting them involved in your process with a person who did you harm as it gets you nowhere... better to focus on what WOULD get you HEALTHY.

And with a regular man or woman who has simply done something wrong... something that made you FEEL bad or angry... talking about THEM will only get their defenses operating full tilt... their personality and their boundaries will not allow you to run them down even if you think you are right they will shut you out and walk away from you... which is what I would advise you to do with others who try to do that with YOU.

A person saying things to you that feel bad to you... that feels like they extending their world to impact yours in some negative way that they wish you ill or hate you.

Disengage from them other wise you will be sucked into their drama... when you are alone or with a therapist you can explore other things and ALWAYS talking about OTHERS is not the way to go... gossip is such an acid to relationships and is not going to win you friends as you are always just talking about yourself and REACTING to others.

So as you write privately in your journals or sharing with me or when talking and sharing with others.

Try This Very Simple Method

Instead of saying...

"You did this" 

"You made me do this" 

"You are responsible"

"You made me feel this way" 

"You are rubbish."




Take Responsibility for YOUR own thoughts and feelings instead of projecting your thoughts and feelings onto the other person because when you project your thoughts and feelings onto another person this is what happens...

A... You are giving away your power to them and they have control.

B... They will resist you.

C... They will resent you.

D... They will enter into conflict with you.

Most people will react when attacked and become defensive and attacking themselves and what does that solve for you?

Only to promote more conflict and negative feeling... remember that when you feel anger it is YOUR ANGER and you are RESPONSIBLE for your anger and how you deal with your anger is YOUR CHOICE!

So on this monumental journal of healing your abuse... see if you can share your deepest feelings without blaming other people and when you do share... set your anger in context by saying truthfully what happened to trigger you?

When you take the first step to owning your own thoughts and feelings... that is a BIG step on the path to Personal Development... Empowerment... Growth and Healing who you are.

Because the ultimate way of defeating the abuse is LOVING your self and LOVING the life you LOVE living!

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Loving... Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Dynamic Lifer... The Tribe of Dynamic Lifers

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist... Sexologist and Multipreneur... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you Know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation for what you would like help with CLICK HERE

"Transformation happens when people fall in love with a different version of themselves and their future!"

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