Do You Compromise And People Please In Your Relationships 

Or Cooperate For The WIN WIN?  

By Ange Fonce

"Don't worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you."~ Robert Fulghum

Conflict resolution skills are indispensable for handling all kinds of marital... family and life issues... whether large or small. 

And these skills can easily be learned through a Relationship Educator... along with other vital social and intimacy skills for healthy relationships... to help you communicate well with everyone... not just your romantic partner.

Healthy relationships are important for everyone as they shape the BIGGEST areas of you life and provide many benefits including...

Living longer and having fewer physical health problems

Having fewer depressive symptoms

Lowered levels of domestic and sexual abuse and violence among men and women

Less likelihood of youth becoming involved in crime... substance abuse... and teen pregnancies.

So let me ask you a question...

Do you compromise to People Please or cooperate for the WIN WIN in your relationships?

Compromise within the context of relationships is troublesome because it implies that someone is giving something up.

Cooperation on the other hand... strengthens the underlying fabric of relationship through balanced interchange... open communication and mutual understanding.

Here are some tips... tools and takeaways to help prompt the process.

The very first thing that you bring to the table of the relationship is yourself... and along with that comes your personality... with your personality in play... you tend to protect your own interests... often forestalling those of your partner. 

This is not out of some misguided bit of narcissism... as it might first appear... rather your fundamental survival instinct keeps you bound to your self interest... and appropriately so... the bent toward narcissism comes out of the interjection of socialization... acculturation... ethnic trajectory and a host of other factors. 

This transforms what is a natural and somewhat predictable tendency into something a bit more toxic.

Say The Words And Ask The Questions?

One of the keys to developing a cooperating relationship is communication.

You often hear about how the lack of communication in relationship makes for difficult going... and there is more than enough information fostering advice about how to better communicate.

What you tend not to look at is why that communication falters in the first place... it falters in part... because you tell yourself stories based on your assumptions... expectations... and ideas about the way the world works. 

These assumptions... expectations and ideas form your model of the world... that model gives you your own unique... and not unpredictably selfish... perspective.

This perspective is selfishness in its most blinkered form... it stifles your ability to see things from another persons point of view... and almost demands the imposition of behaviors that can become so toxic... making clear... authentic statements about how you feel... what you are thinking... or what you think you heard someone else say can help you get in front of that self defeating storytelling. 

The same can be said for asking clear... authentic questions... if you know... you do not have to guess and you can more easily avoid the needless creation of chaos and conflict... both internally with yourself or externally in conflict with others.

Making assumptions is the one of the main killers of all relationships!

Becoming Transparent...

If you are prepared to say the words and ask the questions... you also need to be prepared to answer them. 

Cooperation conveys a level playing field... and that means no hidden agendas... no little deceptions... no little white lies... and no sins of omission... clarity is crucial because even the most subtle shift can quickly turn a fair playing field into a battlefield of full on conflict!

Taking The Other Person's Perspective...

Stepping away from your model of the world allows you to take your defenses out of play... this transforms your interactions into transactions... bringing you to a place where both partners are involved in the give and take... taking another persons perspective also deflects many issues around power and control... which are often central to the kind of competitive relationship prompted by compromise and fostered by a lack of cooperation.

Becoming Tolerant...

Another of the less than desirable elements associated with compromise is putting up with your partners foibles and fragility. 

On the one hand... that is simple compassion... or holding space... yet letting things go in the alleged service of maintaining the fabric your relationships often points more toward a distortion of yourself than to healthy self care. 

People pleasing... is a sure fire way to create a very UNHAPPY life for yourself.

It is important to stay clear on what you can accept and remain firm on what you cannot... this goes back to saying the words... asking the questions and being transparent in doing so.

Your Best Life Partner Is Your Best Friend...

Your partnerships should be based... first and foremost... upon a friendship... and that friendship should be a best friendship... one that strives to be deep and abiding... resting upon transparency... trust... and the type of intimacy that makes communication... both verbal and non verbal... seamless. 

For that level of intimacy to be present... the friendship that underlies the partnership needs to be well founded and well grounded in TRUST! 

For the first to effectively support the second... a partnership needs to be approached as something organic that grows out of friendship... rather than something apart from it... you strive to survive and playing one up or one down in your partnerships derails the very thing that is supposed to be feeding and supporting you. 

Making an agreement to cooperate with your partner... rather than compromise or compete... can lead you to a whole new level of connection and communication. 

Relationships are about teamwork where both work for a WIN WIN. 

Not where one wins and the other loses... that attitude serves no one... and in the end will destroy a relationship... and there is another very important part of relationships to consider... especially when you are a parent!

Role Models And Responsibility...

The young are looking for living models who they can imitate and who are capable of rousing their enthusiasm and drawing them to a deeper kind of life... more than anything else... the young need sure guides to go with them on the paths of life that you as a parent or guardian map out for them... role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents.

Parents are handing life scripts to their children... scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the childrens lives... whether or not you have children yourself... you are a parent to the next generation... have you ever thought of yourself in that way? 

If we can only stop thinking of children as individual property and think of them as the next generation... then we can realize we all have a role to play.

A Story of a Great Man...

A troubled mother took her daughter to see Mohandas Gandhi... who was world renowned for his great spiritual discipline... it seems the young girl had become addicted to eating sweets... and her mother wanted Gandhi to speak to her about this harmful habit and convince her to drop it.

Upon hearing this request... Gandhi paused in silence and then told the mother... 

"Bring the girl back to me in three weeks and I will speak to her then."

Just as she was instructed... the mother returned with her daughter... and Gandhi... as he had given his word... spoke to the girl about the detrimental effects of eating too many sweets... he counselled her to give them up.

The mother gratefully thanked Gandhi... and yet was perplexed by Gandhi initial request... so she asked him this question? 

"Why did you not speak to my daughter when we first came to you?"

Gandhi replied...

"My good woman... 3 weeks ago I myself was still addicted to sweets!"

The best way to teach children restraint and generosity is to be a model of those qualities yourself. 

If your children see that you want a particular item and refrain from buying it... either because it is not practical or because you cannot afford it... they will begin to understand restraint... likewise... if you donate books or clothing to charity... take them with you to distribute the items to teach them about generosity.

If you as parents cut corners... your children will too. 

If you lie... they will too.

If you spend all your money on yourself and there is no portion of it left for charities and civic causes... your children will not either... and if parents snicker at racial and gender jokes... another generation will pass on the poison adults still have not had the courage to snuff out.

You are in charge of your feelings... thoughts... and actions... and you teach others how to behave toward you. 

While you cannot change other people... you can influence them through the EXAMPLE of your own behaviours and actions... by being a living role model of what you want to receive from others... you create more of what you want in your life.

I think it is a great honour to be a role model to one person or maybe more than that... if you are given a opportunity to be a role model... I think you should always take it because you can influence a persons life in a positive light... and that is what I want to do. 

Really is that not the bottom line in being a DYNAMIC Man and Woman... that is what it is all about... making the world a better place by your presence in it!

You do not have to know people personally for them to be role models... some of my most important role models were historical or literary figures that I only read about and never actually met... and their work is an example to me.

The most important role models in peoples lives it seems... are not superstars or household names... they are everyday men and women who quietly set examples for you... coaches... teachers... parents... friends and even lovers. 

People about whom you say to yourself... perhaps not even consciously... 

"I want to be like that."

Some of the most important people in my life would be shocked to learn that they were my role models... they were not celebrities... or even particularly accomplished... yet they possessed qualities that I admired... that made me look to myself and to aspire to!

We all value FREEDOM to be ourselves and to acquire that freedom is a hard won prize... once we have won that prize there then comes a realization... that with freedom comes great responsibility... both morally and ethically... that we are the bow from which future generations as arrows fly from!

Be an example of the DYNAMIC Man and Woman who ALWAYS works for the WIN WIN!

And practically speaking... that completes my conversation for this article.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Ange is an  Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 


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