Are You A People Pleasing Woman Or An Empowered Giver? 

By Ange Fonce

Do you know the difference between the two?

It is WHY many women FAIL in relationships.

I see a huge problem among women... especially many women who are in a relationship... their  problem is the problem of trying to please all the time.

Most women would pass this off as... 

"Oh it does not apply to me."  

"I am a cool woman and I would never be one of those silly pleasers!"

So you say...  right!?

In my experience as a professional Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant and Counselling Psychologist many women like to think they are not acting like pleasers... when they actually are. 

Part of this comes from not really understanding the difference between pleasing and giving and more often than not... truly giving to someone is counter intuitive and it is not something many men and women have been taught... so many women mistake pleasing for giving.

The Trap is...

Your Own Feminine Mindset

What is valuable to men in a relationship is not the same as what is valuable to women. 

Most women will read this and nod and then continue on with the same old patterns... sometimes for the rest of their lives to give to their man in the same way they always have... which is in a way that the man perceives little value of her and she wonders why the relationship is failing... why they are becoming another divorce statistic or why their man is withdrawing or leaving or cheating... it is not any ones fault... how are you supposed to know what you never been taught?

Anyway in your relationship... being the pleaser is a very quick way to destroy any attraction that existed between you both...  most of you would just rather ignore the loss... denial is a common option... denial feels certain... after all if you want to be a treasured friend to somebody... being a pleaser will not get you there.

Pleasing And Giving Are Two Very Different Things

And they do have one thing in common... each of these actions fulfil 1 or more of your 6 human needs and as such... I know there is no truly selfless act... even if a man dies for his wife... dying for someone is one of the most SELF GIVING acts there are and even in a situation like this... you are serving yourself in some way... Human Beings are programmed by Nature to have self interest at heart... our genes are SELFISH!

What I have noticed is that most of people... especially women operate more from a pleasing place than a giving place and they are not consciously aware of it.

The REAL Difference Between Pleasing And Giving

Pleasing is about you and possessing a POVERTY Mind set. 

When you try to please someone... you are coming from a place of fear... fear of loss of love and desperation or neediness and you are looking for something in return... whether that be a reaction or approval or to get out of trouble and a sign that you actually "did okay."

IMPORTANT POINT... it is not that you cannot ever need or want somebodys approval or have fear....  the point is that you do not want to live there and consistently act from that state of needful emotion... giving comes from a place of ABUNDANCE and possessing an ABUNDANCE MIND SET!

Giving is what you do when you truly care about somebody and their future and what they really need to HELP them grow... not what they want and not even what they seem to want or say they want and possessing an ABUNDANCE Mindset... means you LOVE and VALUE yourself!

Examples of pleasing...

1...  A good example of pleasing would be... the woman who makes plans with her friends and when her man calls to meet up... she changes her plans with her friends because inside... she feels bad for saying "no" to him.


Because she feels she might lose his love and her friends are dropped!

2... Another example... stacking up too many plans with loved ones and “doing too much” for the people around you.... you are attending to so many demands and "requests" of your loved ones that you cannot keep to your plans and end up late for people or having to cancel on people and worse still... you are so much of a pleaser that you are way too scared to call up and say...

"I am so sorry I am going to be late by 30 minutes." 

And make sure it does not happen again... that you end up disappointing people because you kept them in the dark.

So much for "pleasing."

3...  The classic example of pleasing...  parents giving their children everything they want or almost everything and saying that they do it out of love... I am not saying they do not love their child... yet this act itself more often than not comes from a place of not wanting to lose the childs love... affection or even the attachment of the child... after all the more dependent someone is on you the more safe they are... at least you sometimes trick yourself in to thinking this... too bad children are so dependent on you until they are not... then what have you left for you?

The ‘K’ Word

The classic phrase used by a pleaser is... 

"Keep him happy." 

"Keep her happy." 

The word "keep" is dangerous... can you see what I am getting at here?

Pleaser women become low value women and stay single women or soon become single women!

We all value givers in some way or other... even if your actions make others angry and resentful at first... because givers are valuable people and I mean truly valuable and we do not truly value people pleasers. 

Men and women who seem to value pleasers are people you do not want in your life... they are most likely leeching off your insecurities and your desperation for love and approval and will most certainly ABUSE you... because it is easy to manipulate people pleasers... because they are ADDICTED to seeking approval and lets be honest here... you do not ever respect people you can manipulate... let alone value them.

Giving is an act... a message... a gesture... done from a place of RESPECT and SELF VALUE and knowing that giving will not take away anything from you... giving is something you do because you already have so many internal resources that you can afford to give to others.

See... pleasers have little to no internal resources... they live from the place of a POVERTY Mind set and have little or no value of themselves... because the "feel good" moment from pleasing only lasts so long and it is like a bottle being emptied the minute it is filled and then needing to be filled again and again... they are an ADDICT of others APPROVAL.

I can attest to the difference between pleasing and giving because I have done both in my life... I have pleased people and felt the awful after effects... it never works out even if it does for a day... in fact... I have "pleased" in the past only to find that those so called "friends" I wanted to please actually did not really value me... no wonder I was not even valuing myself!

Now I give so much away... that I recognize just how rewarding the act of truly giving is... I have given in ways that no one would expect me to and I can say that it always works out... like I heard once... 

“What you give... you get to keep... what you fail to give... you lose forever.”

Giving adds to your sense of SELF RESPECT and VALUE...  pleasing never does... it destroys everything that you are until you get to the terrible place of feeling you are nothing and that is SUICIDE territory 

So What Is Giving?


1... Giving could be telling a good girlfriend that yes... she would feel much better and look much better and be much happier if she changed her eating habits and lost some weight... rather than saying...

"Oh honey... your body is fine just as it is!"

That is a lie!

2... Giving could be telling your man that you need time to yourself... to re charge so that you can come back to the relationship with more to share... instead of seeing him every time he says he misses you.

3... Giving could be not having sexing with your man at all this time... rather than laying there like a dead fish while he does his thing... like he is having sexing with a blow up doll or a rigid post.

How To Give Instead Of Please

Now... learning how to truly give to a man or to anyone at all is not something you can easily learn overnight... it is a big topic... much too big for this article in itself and it is a learning process... nonetheless here is a start on what you need to do to become a giver rather than a pleaser...

1... Get out a piece of paper... right now.

Write down every decision you have made or that you can remember out of a need to please someone in the last month... next to each of those decisions you have listed... write down the consequence of that decision.

How did you feel after making that decision?

How did the person you wanted to please react?

Did the reaction you wanted last?

Did the reaction you were wanting even occur at all?

2... From now on instead of focusing on how you might "upset people"... what you must do in this moment to prevent someone from being unhappy with you or how you might "disappoint people" or "make people dislike you" start using some new language... as soon as you notice yourself reacting out of fear... ask yourself... 

“What would really benefit me as well as this person right now... what would truly benefit our relationship?”

For example... 

You may be scared to speak up in a situation where you feel your opinion is not as clever or right or that by speaking up... people will ostracise you. 

In fact... truly giving to these people would be to actually stand up with certainty and either share or tell the truth as you think and feel it to be... whatever the situation calls for.

By the way to finish up this article... I just want to ask you a question...

"Do you know why the word "keep" in the phrase "keep him happy" is dangerous?"

Drop me a line with your thoughts as to why having the  attitude of “keep” is not a positive or healthy one for your relationships. 

And practically speaking... that completes my conversation with you.

Have you any thoughts or comments you would like to share with me on what I have written?

I would love to hear from you.

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely

Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... books... writing... communication... fitness... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright dynamic person and glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with those men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life... relationships and wealth! 

4... If you are Happy and you Know it... you are becoming a Dynamic Lifer!

To Speak to Ange and arrange a consultation for any problems you would like help with CLICK HERE

"Transformation happens when people fall in love with a different version of themselves and their future!"

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