7 Mistakes As To Why You Are Creating

Unhappy Relationships For Your Self 

By Ange Fonce

Recently I had a chance to catch up with some people I had not seen in a really long time... many of them had achieved what they set out to do from when we were teenagers.

And there were those who were still struggling... you know... they were trying to figure things out and could not understand why things had not improved for them.

I explained to them that things do not get better...  you have to make them better... nothing changes for you overnight except the passage of time which has its own effects.

One thing I noticed they shared in common these past friends who were struggling... they were all living unhappy and unfulfilled lives and "blaming" others... now what was it they were doing that was creating an unhappy life for themselves?

In my work with those who come to me for help... I have noticed that certain clients all share behaviours that creates their own "unhappiness."

So what are these behaviours they shared for creating their lack of success and unhappiness?


1...  You never take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings...

You make sure that you never take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings and your own sense of safety and security.

You make sure that you constantly ignore your own feelings enough so that you create an empty black hole inside that needs to be filled up by sex... material things or by someone elses love or attention by not loving and enjoy being who YOU are.

You get your sense of "personal esteem" by taking and getting it from others.

2... You find someone to do it for you...

You are looking for someone to fill your emptiness... someone to make you feel loved... happy... safe and secure.

A good way to determine if this is the right person is if he or she comes on REALLY strong... promising you the world or at least some kind of relationship you will make do with.

As long as someone else takes the "responsibility" for you... you manage to survive.

3... Once you find the right person who you think and feel will do this for you... you behave in one of the two following ways...

A... Completely give yourself up...

Completely put yourself aside and focusing all your attention on the other persons feelings and needs.

Your thinking is that if you are wonderful enough and sacrifice yourself enough... the other person will give you the love you are seeking and crave like a "drug addict."

You completely ignore your own feelings and needs no matter what the other person does... you are the best caretaker you can be to try to have control over getting the other persons love and approval even if it means you will get "abused" in fulfilling your "addiction" to be "loved."

B... Demand the other person live up to your expectations...

You start slow then gradually building to becoming more and more demanding of the other person... the insecure "control freak" in you is running the show... if he or she does not meet your expectations you are sure to criticize... blame... chastise... berate... threaten... ignore... yell at... belittle... lecture... debate and argue with your partner... you focus all your attention to gain control over getting the other person to completely give him or herself up and focus only on filling your emptiness and needs with their love... approval... attention... sex... devotion... time and adoration.

Your a "taker" and it is all about "you" and only "you" and you make sure to keep your partner feeling guilty and responsible for your feelings of security and personal esteem.

4... You are great at playing the victim...

As any of your relationships starts to decline you move more and more into thinking and behaving as a victim of the other persons choices... this will lead to more fights and distance between you both... a lack of passion... a lack of joy and a complete inability to communicate about anything even minor situations and it is ALL their fault.

In any discussions... you always have to be right... you have to win your point at any cost and make your partner wrong... after all this is a competition for who is the good one and the right one and you are always right... RIGHT?

Or your other behaviour is to just collapse and give in and play the role of the "martyr" a great way to be a victim and heap all the blame onto the other.

5... Withdraw from your relationships...

You start to invest less and less time being with your partner... perfering to spend it alone or with other people or in front of the TV... you convince yourself that your misery is completely your partners fault and that you picked the wrong person again... YOU NEVER EVER take any responsibility for your own feelings... needs... behaviour and choices.

You constantly remind yourself that you are the victim of other peoples bad behaviours.

6... You get your partner into therapy...

You seek counselling to get your partner to change... there is something WRONG with them and they need to be FIXED... it is never you who has the problem... you never enter counselling to deal with your own controlling behaviour of being a controller... taker or caretaker... rather you are sure to tell the therapist... very often me... about everything your partner does wrong... using the therapists room as just another arena to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong or you are the good one and your partner is the bad one.

Above all... it is NEVER for you to look within at yourself and your OWN behaviours as to WHY all your relationships fail and your unhappy with your life... after all it is your partner who needs to do this and not you.

You are PERFECT?

7... Congratulations!

You did it.

By behaving in the way I have just described... you have succeeded in creating a terrible relationship and unhappiness for yourself... now you can miserably and righteously leave your partner and go do the whole thing again!

You can get to complain to all your friends about what a terrible person your ex partner is and get sympathy for all you have been though... what a reward for all your hard work!

An UNHAPPY and miserable life for yourself... you are the PERFECT VICTIM!

SUSTAINING love in any relationship is not a passive or spontaneous experience... it will NEVER just happen to you as you cannot "find" lasting love from another to "fill" your own lack of "self love" up.

You have to learn to create "love" fresh everyday for yourself... that is why we have the expression "the labour of love."

Because it takes an investment of time... effort and commitment to grow a successful and fulfilling relationship full of "give and take" and cooperation from both sides.

And most importantly it takes knowledge and understanding to "learn" of each other... and that requires a great deal of TRUST and taking RESPONSIBILITY for your part in any kind of relationship... you have to know what to do to make your relationships work.

Make no mistake about it... love is NOT a mystery.

There are specific things you can do with or without your spouse to succeed with all your relationships... just as there are physical laws of the universe such as gravity... there are also laws for relationships... just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger... certain behaviours in your relationship WILL make your loving bond stronger... while other forms of behaviours will effectively destroy your relationships every time.

It is a direct practice of "cause and effect."

If you know and apply this understanding... the results are predictable... you can "make" love.

Love in relationships is indeed a "decision"... a RESPONSIBILITY by both people in the relationship... to create and share "love" between them.

Love is not just a feeling and  one falls in love by chance... no it is by CHOICE... and no one falls out of love by chance... it is by CHOICE... so it is by CHOICE that you can have an unhappy relationships or it is by CHOICE you can have happy relationships and so in turn it is a CHOICE to live a HAPPY and SUCCESSFUL life for YOU!

There are other types of behaviours that will effectively cripple your success and happiness in life and those ones that I have shared with you WILL most certainly "guarantee" 100% unhappiness and a lack of love and success

Do you not want to change that?

Thank you and may you enjoy a Prosperous and Dynamic day!

Yours Sincerely


Intellectual Badass... noun

1... A person with a penchant for Science... creativity... computers... books... writing... women... sexing... sexuality... human relationships... psychology... physiology and any other area involving heavy use of the Intellect.

2... A bright "kick arse" person who is glamorously Intelligent!

3... Ange is an Author... Speaker... and Dynamic Peak Performance Personal Development Consultant... and Humanistic Counselling Psychologist and Sexologist... who works with men and women who desire to personally develop themselves and their relationships to become Dynamic Lifers... creators of their own life and wealth! 

To Speak to Ange CLICK HERE

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